Anders Holm, Our Close Friend

Episode

33

Release Date

May 20, 2014

Episode Guide
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B.J. Novak, Our Close Friend	David Wain, Our Close Friend

"Anders Holm, Our Close Friend" is the thirty-third episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

This week on Hollywood Handbook, Hayes and Sean start off with a segment called “I Gotta Raise” where they talk about their kids and their own upbringings: Sean on a farm and Hayes in a fire station. Then, friend ANDERS HOLM stops by to talk to the guys about the truth about Mimby, his salesman dad, living on the Eastside, and business cards. Also, Anders reveals the sweet story of how he lost his virginity. Then, the guys do “Pitch Stop”, a segment where they do a fake pitch to Anders and they end the show with the world’s shortest Popcorn Gallery.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Hayes over the theme: "So I turn to Neve.. Campbell. And I'm like 'I can see how to do the like squares, how do I get it up on the wall?' and she's like 'Oh like you need a projector for that' and it's like 'Neve: if you can't teach me how to use PowerPoint, maybe Robin Tunney can!" and that sort of lit a fire, that got her feet moving.
See the I Gotta Raise Segment

Guest Segment[]

* Sean over the theme: "So Mario.. uh.. Lopez, looks at me, he goes 'Is that a Ferrari.. Testarossa?' and I go 'No. It's a.. Ferrari Testosterone 'za!' and I pop the trunk and whip out a pizza and we ate it together on the hood of the car." "That's really nice. What a nice story." "It was really nice and we've been good friends since then."

Anders has Black kids because they were the most important kids, but their popularity is waning. Anders believes that it's cyclical, and they'll come back around.
Sean exclusively drives convertibles,wants Anders to guess, and Sean gives him a hint--he doesn't give a fuck about status. Anders guesses correctly that he drives an Infiniti G35 Drop-top, 2 door, 6 cylinder. It gets him from point A to point B and it's fun!
Anders calls his business cards his "Swiss Army life" because it saves him all the time. To spice it up, he makes a regular business card, leaving people to wonder where the joke is, causing them to call him and ask "Where's the joke?". He leaves business cards on the treadmill and at the pool. Sean has a Holographic business card with a monkey with a finger up his butt and nose while he falls out of a tree - This lets people know he's a storyteller.
'Ders goes to the reservoir to watch dogs poop
When Anders first got to Hollywood he bought a star map and drew a house on it, and said "I'm not giving up until this map is real". He later framed it and gave it to his Dad, who promptly sold it on eBay. Anders tracked down the user who got it and bought it back. The lesson here is "Keep bobbing and weaving".
When Sean asks "When you get to New York, where's the first place you touch down?" Anders replies "The airport". This makes Sean and Hayes laugh hysterically. Including Hayes's patented loud laugh.
One of the gems came out of Sean's thumb ring, when he's horsing around with Anders. It was the peridot, signifying plenitude.
The guys talk about Fargo again, in a callback to the episode Ep. #029 - Jordan Morris, Our Close Friend. Sean asks Anders to tell Billy Bob Thornton to please repeat the information a few more times, as 2 times is not enough. Anders says "Exposition sets you free".
Anders saw Under The Skin and hated it. "You see some girl's cans and think 'this is great'....but then you see a bunch of dudes rock hard dicks! And I'm like Whaaaat?"
Hayes and Sean agree that too many podcasts these days are raw comedic content and don't tell real stories and experiences like Hollywood Handbook does. To Sean only two things are interesting - Real people and Money. And he doesn't really care about people.

Recurring Segments[]

I Gotta Raise - how not to raise your kids to be monsters
- The guys talk about how Fame and money impact your family - Hayes explains "It's not all roses and cream and strawberries and blueberries...(Sean adds "Hot Dog buns, Hamburger sandwich"), ...Once you ascend to the higher levels of the industry"
- They don't want their kids to become fiends like Sweeney Todd. A monstrous barber!
- Their rough and tumble background has helped Sean and Hayes in raising kids
  - Sean was a farm orphan - He'd be out picking corn off, feed the goose. He used to get bitten on the bottom by a goose. A big storm used to blow him into the top of the barn while he was asleep, he'd wake up there, and he'd have to build a ladder or break a collar bone to get down - His Farmhouse is just outside his basement apartment.
  - Hayes was raised by Firemen after his mommy dropped him off at the station as a baby. - Firemen are heroes, but can be kind of a dick sometimes and would make Hayes taste the hose whenever they felt like he was sassing off to them - This actually helped him growing up, and he does it to his own kids now. It would be really easy to give them a credit card of a Ferrari car. Makes them bring the heavy hose over to him. CrossFeet is pussy shit, Hayes can do those obstacles in ten seconds. You spray the hose, you push the water back in. Hayes sla
  - ps his hands together, we can all hear the sound of him slapping on his own muscles. Sean slaps his arm too. It does not sound like they're splashing around in the tub, not soft marshmallows
- Every single one of their children have been in the military. During meetings the guys like to remind businessmen that their kids are little fighters.
Pitch Stop
- Hayes and Sean pretend to be dummies like the listeners, and pitch ideas to Anders badly. Whenever the guys make a stupid mistake like an ordinary person would, Anders is to stop them by saying "Pitch Stop"
- Sean and Hayes first idea is about how when the lights go out in a grocery store at closing time, it turns out all the food is a real guy, "and some of it is friends, but some of it is fighting." This idea is so good the guys say they will delete it out of the podcast so they can pitch it to Paramount. The movie is called Food Fight, and will be a new Pixar film. In a huge psych, Anders reveals it was garbage the whole time, because they pitched the story and not the marketing campaign. Anders then explains how Stephen Spielberg famously pitched Jurassic Park as a series of McDonald's dinosaur toys, and then they found the dumb book to adapt. Ders calls Sean and Hayes story beasts, he thinks they can be marketing beasts too
- Their second idea is a movie related to Operation: Dumbo Drop with Ray Liotta and Russell Brand where they find this elephant which is also a toy that you could eat.This is highly marketable, and could be eaten in a Denny's. Here is where Sean drops some knowledge, saying that the main objective of pitching is to get the person exited enough that they do most of the movie.
- Anders does the final pitch about a movie with Subway and Nascar. You have the first ever car race that goes through the subways of New York. The movie will have Nastia Liukin, Ray Liotta, the Hemsworth brothers, and be called Subwaysium (Like Elysium).
Popcorn Gallery
1. Greggy - "Mr Holm, Do you put your pants on one leg at a time in the morning?" - Anders doesn't get up until afternoon, so the answer is no.
Pro Version - JeffreyParties - Anders describes a business card to him , which is a party popper with his name and phone number on it.

Recurring Jokes[]

Hamburger Sandwich - fame is not all hamburger sandwich
Speak on That - Anders is asked to speak on the east side. Ander's is a Silverlake Dog
Wife and Kids - Hayes and Sean have a beautiful brood. Cardigan, Mr. Teeples (had to jerk off a horse, horse wouldn't fuck her, dude might be gay), Ricky Rose, Lake Bell Davenport, Tompkins is made to stack bales just like Sean used to have to. Their daughters all play with corn husk dolls.
Sean's Dad - Sean implies his Dad put him in an oil drum and rolled him around and threw him in the water. He would pretend a corn husk was his dad and punch it
Politics - Some of these conversations in Hollywood lead to a guy suckin Obama's b-hole, this liberal reason for blank, Sean should have to pay taxes for being a kajillionaire. But his kids are all in the military so they shut right up and pass the salt
Comic Books- Hayes says that Anders dad could sell Ice to Iceman, or Fire to Pyro or the Human Torch. Sean says he could sell ointment to Wolverine, who with his superhuman healing ability would never need something like ointment.
Nerds - Spinning off their comic discussion, The guys talk about how awkward and Nerdy they used to be. Even though he's a 6'3 mesomorph with a convertible. Anders used to be called the Virgin Mary because he didn't have sex until he was 16. He ended up tracking down a heifer named Becky down and tackling her. She didn't love it, but he had to get it off his chest. Sean describes this as a "sweet childhood story".
Bullies - After Anders' Sweet childhood story, Hayes says "We get bullied and you learn to stand up for yourself and force someone to lose your virginity"
Mark - He is not doing well. Anders still has his belt, but Sean says he has been trying the keep Mark away from belts recently (Implying he is suicidal).
Workofholics - Anders is an actor and co-creator of Workofholics
The Mimby Project - Anders was an actor on the show. The guys once again explain that the actress is Mindy Kaling but the show is The Mimby Project
Sean and Hayes's Particular Attribute - for people that are built in a particular way, a three-legged race is a lot like actually having three legs
Hayes's Loud Laugh - "When you get to New York, where's the first place you touch down?" Anders replies "The airport"