Clark Duke, Our Close Friend

Episode

54

Release Date

October 14, 2014

Episode Guide
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"Clark Duke, Our Close Friend" is the fifty-fourth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

Hayes and Sean start the show by weighing in on the announcement of the new all-female Ghostbusters cast. Then, CLARK DUKE is in the studio to take us on a tour of his career and talk about where he went to college, Weezer, and golf. After, the boys play a game of “That's Wheely Interesting” and the Popcorn Gallery is back to ask Clark about being a party teenager, cheating, and sharing the spotlight.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Sean talking over the theme: "So, the Starbucks barista is going back and forth with me, and she's getting mad, and I'm getting really flipping pissed, but I never lose my temper in public. Um, because it's not cool. And finally, I go, "OK, I see what happened: I want a tall coffee, I'm dating Ariana Grande." "So what happened was, you had told her both of those things, when you got up to the counter, and she confused the size of the coffee you ordered, with the person you told her you were dating..." "Who, by the way, is not tall!"
Everyone's going to want to talk about this new Ghostbusters movie! It's going to be an all female Ghostbusters. People have speculated that Sean and Hayes would be in the new movie, and be some of the Ghostbusters, and that this is the way to stop them from being in the movie by some of their Hollywood enemies! Of which they do have some, because jealousy is an ugly, ugly, ugly thing. The boys and concerned and a little confused because it's going to be hard to make this movie for a few reasons
If you're going to make it female that busting the ghosts, you have to make it female ghosts. If it's females busting male ghosts that's misandrist! Well guess what, ghosts are male! Female versions of ghosts are known as a wraith. And they screech, and they haunt just as viciously, but they are not ghosts. So now, if it's going to be all female Ghostbusters, it has to be Wraithbusters. And Slimer has to become Slimerette, the Wraith. And the Stay-Puft the Marshmallow Man ghost is now going to be the Stay-Puft the Marshmallow Wraith, the ghost, and that doesn't make any sense!
Sean doesn't know how you'll possibly script it. This is how low some people in Hollywood will sink to keep Hayes and Sean, the greatest enemies of spookiness, the natural fit for someone that is eliminating ghosts from a city they love! They had a personal investment on destroying all these ghosts, if you want people on the screen hating ghosts, that's their entire thing some might say they use it too much
Also it's difficult to schedule production because Hayes and Sean refuse to be on set with anything that could be too scary. The Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, he was a sailor, and what's he going to have to be now? He's going to have to be a Sailor Moon. It could have been much simpler if you let it be some men and some women. Sean and Hayes, and Nina Dobrev. and Carmen Electra, two men, and two sexy ladies who want their help. Who knows what would happen after a long day of busting ghosts? Maybe Carmen accidentally busts a ghost with a curling iron, doesn't know she's doing it?
Re: the feud with Wolf Den, they are scared, and have shut down all communication. Although the listening numbers are still dead last..

Guest Segment[]

Hayes over the theme: "So, Cindy.. Margolis is like 'Try my homebrew, it's really good.' And I'm like, 'Well, it's green, and fizzing.. very actively.' And she's like 'C'mon, it's beer, you like beer, don't you?' Well, you know, I do. I do enjoy beer. I drink it, three hours later I wake up, all my jewels are gone! Every jewel in the house, has disappeared. And I call her, she says she doesn't know what happened." "How many times are you gonna to drink something that Cindy Margolis hands you?" She said it was a sour, Hayes loves homebrewed sours!
People have called Clark Duke the Clown Duke of comedy. Clark is asked to speak on how he thinks the nickname 'The Clown Duke of Comedy' is just a play of words because his last name is duke. The first Duke on record was Peter Duke, he came from Kent County England in the 1600s. Hayes thinks Clark should be included in the book! Even though it was published before he was born.
Hayes asks Clark to take them to the conversation with John Cusack, telling him that he's not allowed to be in that movie. Clark says he might not be allowed to talk about this. Hayes suggests that he tells a story that's not John Cusak, it might be Rod Stiger and in The Heat of the Night 2. Clark doesn't think it's so much that Rod Stiger wasn't allowed to be in The Heat of the Night 2, he thinks it was that he had some issues, the studio had some issues, and Rod and RKO just couldn't come to terms.
Clark asks if it's OK to cough, and Sean says that Engineer Brett will clean it up. (then there is a pretty audible cut after this part, 16'. It is alluded to later in the episode, apparently the hosts started down a path Clark wasn't on board for)
Clark notices that the guys keep it tropical in the studio, 86, 87 degrees. And believe Hayes, the listener can tell when they don't. Every time they try not do it, they tell them to jack up the temperature! They can tell the comedy is not hot. Sean considers getting some nice plants in the studio
Clark is from Arkansas, and Hayes asks him about his first trip to LA. What was that first drive like? Clark says he flew, if he had driven, there would have been an ice chest for the sandwiches, more of sweatpants. On the flight he'd be in a formal suit-- in a 'morning suit' which is less formal than a tux. Sean: "And go Razorbacks!" Clark says he doesn't give a shit about the Hogs.
Clark went to Loyloa Marymount University, in LA. He's not affiliated with that nasty lacrosse team (Duke Lacrosse). Although the book from earlier does suggest that he was related to the Dukes that started the school. He goes out of his way to claim responsibility for this.
The guys discuss how they're total music heads, and the band Weezer. Only their first two four albums were good (the fourth one was Maladroit). Sean encourages Clark to quiz Hayes over music, he's an encyclopedia. Who was the original bass player for Weezer? Didn't have one, gotcha. Clark quizzes Sean: who was the producer for the original blue album and green album? It was the original bass player.
Sean suggests playing a few rounds of Humor at Home for Dummies! Sean thinks lots of the humor still applies despite not being at home. Clark draws a card, and Brett misses the photo. Also Clark requires his hair and makeup guy come in too before taking any photos, ya gotta bring Danielle in, she's his girl. This mistaken gender sentence causes Sean to call for a sidebar with Hayes -- Clark doesn't know genders.
Clark gets the card: "Many families argue about clothes. Here are a few fashion rules that can help you keep harmony at home.
1. Never asks if it makes you look fat
2. If your socks don't match, don't worry. You've got another pair just like'em at home.
3. Chartreu
4. se is not anybody's color.

What are the fashion rules for your family? "

Humor at Home for Dummies: Conversation Starters Guaranteed to Make You Smile. Clark suggests that these cards might help out in the clubs, with the ladies! Hayes likes to say "If you can make 'em laugh, you can make 'em cum!" Although Hayes doesn't like to say it, because it's a secret. They do some editing, when it comes to secrets, or if they start down a path where the guest just isn't fuckin' on board for.
Another card: "If you think that long family car trips are boring, let bumper stickers provide you with a great source of humorous relief.
- I like the ones that refer to driving issues: 'Caution: I drive like you do.'
- Or philosophical issues: 'The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you're an artist. '
- Or romantiicized issues: 'Don't come a knockin' if this van's a rockin'. '

What are some of your favorite funny bumper stickers? "

Hayes likes the ones that just have numbers and letters on them, like it's a robot that's talking. Clark thinks these are just town cars. Or license plates. Clark doesn't realize that in California that you can just get in a car and drive, you don't have to talk to the sheriff before drivng
Clark likes a really old campaign sticker, from 10 or 12 years ago. Like John Kerry. Clark doesn't vote though.
Sean tries to host the show while Brett sets Hayes up with the sound cable. He does really well.
Hayes asks Clark where computers will be in two years from now, he thinks, like Prince, that the internet is a fad. Sean remembers that Clark and Michael was on Innertube, and that Innertube till stand the test of time. Hayes: "So maybe the message is that Prince: 'Computer Blue'? Yes. Computer Expert: Maybe not." And this is a great way to end the show.
Brett asks to take a picture of Clark. Hayes tells Brett not to submit these pictures for his photo class. They're not impressed with his composition, but that he knows Sean and Hayes. They set up some shots of various configurations and distances of reaching for cards.

Recurring Segments[]

That's Wheely Interesting
- Clark notices the difference between 'really' and 'wheely' straight away.
- Clark gets John Larroquette. This smells like a story to Hayes, and Clark says it's funny he should use the word 'smells:' he was in a men's room at a public golf course (not a great course), and they were both pretty sauced. Sean is audibly disgusted by Clark's description of the bad course! Larroquette is in there, laid up against the wall of the pisser. Clark greets him and asks him if he needs help with anything, and receives the reply "Go fuck yourself!" Clark says he thinks that the story is going to crescendo at certain points, and Sean agrees that this was the case. They consider removing the name from the wheel, but they wish that the wheel would always provide for an interesting story. It's an OK story! It's got stars in it
Popcorn Gallery - they begin to play Charlie Murphy-Browns theme song. Clark.. sort of gets the premise of the segment
1. Toby Keith Sweat - "Clark, how did you prefer for your role as 'Party Teenager' in Superbad and was the real life Party Teenage happy with your portrayal of him?"
  - As far as Clark knows, he died.
2. Michael Bay of Pigs - "Clark, bro, remember in high school when we had that history test and you said you'd let me copy off you because you knew I was up late leveling up my Diablo character because you wanted me to do some cool raids with you. But then when Mr. Pinenot gave us the scantrons, you kept on putting your arm over the scantron so I couldn't see your answers. But then that night, since I knew I was gonna graduate late, I was all depressed, I ended up drinking at Smithy's crib then drove home drunk and hit my ex-girlfriend's dog who was always wandering around off-leash, and the cops caught me burying it in the park and for some reason thought I had killed it on purpose to get back at her for sleeping with you, which was weird because I didn't even know that until they said it. So why did you fuck my girlfriend bro?"
  - Clark draws a complete name on this guy. This is such a common story, so Sean encourages him to say some reasons why he fucked some people's girlfriends and maybe some of them will apply to this guy. Why does the wind blow? Because the moon is moving in and out, and it pushes the air. And it can have an effect on horniness.
3. Joe McGurl
  - - "On The Office you played a character called 'Clark.' How difficult was it for you to play a character that had the same name as you and looked exactly like you?"
    - This is the second time he has done this, in Clark and Michael. He likes to think it's the same 'Clark' from that project
Pro Version - takehomejoke bought it, they almost forgot! Clark gives him a quick prize, a plug: "Everybody please go watch Hot Tub Time Machine 2, this Christmas."

Recurring Jokes[]

Too Scary - Creating an all female Ghostbusters is how low some people in Hollywood will sink to keep Hayes and Sean, the greatest enemies of spookiness, the natural fit for someone that is eliminating ghosts from a city they love! They had a personal investment on destroying all these ghosts, if you want people on the screen hating ghosts, that's their entire thing some might say they use it too much
Speak on That - Clark is asked to speak on how he thinks the nickname 'The Clown Duke of Comedy' is just a play of words because his last name is duke. On how Humor at Home for Dummies cards could help out at the club with the ladies, and how the secret is humor. On Clark and Michael.
Talking to the Engineer - The boys imply that Brett will remove some of Clark's coughing. They later chide him for missing the great action shot of Clark pulling a card from the Humor at Home for Dummies deck. They also ask him for the sound cable. After Hayes's funny Prince line, Brett asks to take a picture of Clark. Hayes tells Brett not to submit these pictures for his photo class. They're not impressed with his composition, but that he knows Sean and Hayes. They set up some shots of various configurations and distances of reaching for cards.
Scoop Troop - Clark provides us all with a great piece of Hollywood folklore:
- "Clark doesn't think it's so much that Rod Stiger wasn't allowed to be in The Heat of the Night 2, he thinks it was that he had some issues, the studio had some issues, and Rod and RKO just couldn't come to terms." (note this goes into an old-fashioned notebook, a little bit of a throwback)
Mark - kind of does a Buck Owens / Hee-haw type jab at Clark to start. Mark provides a fun fashion rule that he uses at his house.
Politics - Clark said before the show started that he didn't want to talk about current events. He doesn't want to take a stance on ISIS/ISIL because there are shades of grey. This is part of the deal with Mr... Stiger, and the studio
Sean's Little Cousin - Sam is going to do some computer stuff for the boys and make the show easier to find on iTunes.

Ads[]

Cards Against Humanity - Hayes starts reading the ad and he hopes it goes how he thinks it's going to do. This time, Sean and Hayes are prepared for them, thinking they'd be small enough to not do an ad again this week. Sean has partnered with a pret-ty big company, slight bit bigger, than CAH, and a little more established. They're called ...For Dummies? Maybe you've heard of them? Maybe you need to pick up Advertising For Dummies. That's not what he's here to talk about, it's Humor at Home for Dummies, these are humorous cards you can read with friends and loved ones, at home or at a podcast you're recording! If you want cards, go to the company that does use ad space correctly, and just laugh at these cards! Cards Against Humanity is hip and minimalist, which is all well and good until Humor at Home for Dummies and Sean come and mop the floor with you. America's favorite humor consultant Malcolm Kushner was involved.
Earwolf actually makes other shows, if the listeners make it popular enough Hayes and Sean will go on the shows, the hosts fan out etc. (repeat)