B.J. Novak, Our Close Friend

Episode

32

Release Date

May 13, 2014

Episode Guide
Previous	Next
Dave Thomas, Our Close Friend	Anders Holm, Our Close Friend

"B.J. Novak, Our Close Friend" is the thirty-second episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

Sean and Hayes start off the show by talking about social media, specifically what you should put as your occupation on Facebook and your bio on Twitter. Then, close friend B.J. NOVAK stops by to talk to the guys about pranking Usher, Punk’d, Celebrity Net Worth, and he pops into the Popcorn Gallery to discuss The Americans, #longhairdontcare, and John Candy. Also, tune in for The Amazing Spiderman and the Case of the Music Box Hostage Crisis!

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Sean over the theme: "So I turn to Carlos.. Santana. And I adjust his fingering just a little--I just move it over and I go 'This is actually the chord, Carlos,' and he goes to slap my hand. But I'm so fast, I spun his hand around and choked him with his own hand! And a laid a tasty lick on his guitar." "And what did it sound like?" *sick guitar riff with nice whammy bar action at the final sustained note*
Hollywood is increasingly about the internet. A discussion of Hayes and Sean's social media presence. Sean: "Well my facebook page is for me, my family, my friends." "Well, that's a fool's attitude."
Sean fucking hates that shithole USC

Guest Segment[]

Hayes over the theme: "So, Piper.. uh Perabo says 'I think you should use your nine iron to get on the green,' and I say 'I think you should use mine iron in your green.' Right there in the sandtrap, honest to God. It was crazy. And we were part of a foursome, we were just paired up. It was wild!" "Mmhm, sex, yeah."
Since B.J Novak was in The Amazing Spider-man 2 his other movie should have been called Saving the Amazing Mr. Banks
B.J., Hayes, and Sean used to run around and pull pranks on celebrities. Kind of the origins of the Banksy stuff Sean's been doing. Keeping people on their toes. B.J. worked on 8 episodes of Punk'd, sometimes even the same pranks that they fell for with the original crew
B.J.'s favorite early pranks: Hillary Duff's written test of her learning permit, tricked Usher into thinking his younger female customer had shoplifted from an African-American themed store owned by a white man
Taxes get in the way of the "Who's Making More Money" argument
B.J. is able to subscribe to Parade magazine independent of any newspaper, mainly for the "What People Earn" issue (which had came out about a month before this episode aired! this is vital context and aren't you glad I looked up this?)
The guys love the team over at celebritynetworth.com. It is no just random speculation with the numbers made up out of thin air.
If you read? You only use half of your whole brain. B.J. listens to music while he reads so he uses about 60%. Sean believes some drugs allow you to tap into extra parts
Hayes and Sean have some holes in the Spider-man-iverse because they didn't see the first The Amazing Spider-man. Spider-man is a crazy guy? He's jumping around, he's magic jumping bean man!
Hayes screamed from surprise when B.J. proved a book could be written
Hayes: "How long does it take you to write one of those stories of your's?"
Sean, Hayes, and B.J. write a short story on the spot, to show the listeners how easy it is. (Portion featured on Best-Of Clip Show Ep. #084 - Moments of Greatness, Our Constant Companions)

The definitive, scholar's restored, collection, as "The Amazing Amazing Spider-man and the Case of the Music Box Hostage Crisis":

Spider-man looked at the footprint. He could tell the man was in trouble, trouble with the cops. He sniffed a little bit of the ground and he held his ear to it, because of his Indian past. And he heard the whole story.

Which was: the one guy's foot, you know, hurt so much. So he just smashed it on the ground. And he also didn't know why-y that other guy was after him. You know. That other guy, what, you know, what, why is he chasing him? And so he, and so, o-oh a really hot, hot mama came, walked in too. And Spider-man had to look at that. OOoo yes. And then she.. starts talking to him!

She said: There are 48 hostages inside the World's Largest Music Box. If you crank the music box, which was built for the world's fair, as an entrance to the Guinness book of world records. World's largest music box, which was meant to attract attention to beleaguered city of Sue Falls¹, OH. And if you crank it from the outside, this box would play Love in this Club. They never expected hostages inside. The woman explains this: Oh, you know who else is in there? There are two people in there: Gwen Stefani (Spider-man raised an eyebrow, almost imperceptibly. He was impressed, but not blown away), and Gwen Stacy (Spider-man's eyes popped open). Now it was personal. OK, so she's in the music box. Well, Spider-Man said. Tiime to go. And he put his hand out. And out of his friggin' hand.. came.. a web!

And the footprint turned out to be the key to the music box or something.

¹The reason it's beleaguered is because people never go to it, they just go to Sioux Falls. This one got its name because a woman named Sue fell in the town square, over and over. It was the town's claim to fame. She turned out to have vertigo. More on this in a later story in the collection.

Kieffer Translation, as "Spider-man and the Case of the Music Box Hostage Crisis":

Spider-man looked at the footprint. He could tell the man was in trouble, trouble with the cops. He sniffed a little of the ground and because of his Indian past, knew the whole story.

Which was: the one guy's foot, you know, hurt so much. So he smashed it on the ground. And he didn't know why the other guy was after him. why is he chasing him? And uuh. a really hot, hot mama Kate, walked in so he had to look at it and he was like OOoo yes. so she looked at him.

Cut the well. Oh that's a note for me. There are 48 hostages inside the World's Largest Music Box. which was built for the world's fair for the Guinness records.* if you crank it from the outside of the box, would play: Love in this Club, doesn't matter which version for the radio. They never expected hostages to be inside. You know, who else is in there? Gwen Stacy, from the show. And Gwen Stefani, which is often followed by bigger celebrities when being announced. Spider-man raised an eyebrow. Now it's personal in italics. Well, Spider-Man say, in a, um, McCarthyesque way. It's time to go. Out of his friggin' hand came a web!

*Note: spell Sioux Falls as Sue. More on the later collection.

Everyone gives some advice to engineer Sam: B.J.: "Overdress." Hayes: "Get all dressed up! Just put on a lot of good clothes." Sean: "Wear it, baby!" Everyone watched Paul F. Tompkins rising through the ranks, if they could have predicted someone they would have chosen Shabby Charlie

Recurring Segments[]

My Electric Life - Hayes and Sean talk about all kinds of technology. Computers are electric, like it or not!
- On these facebook profiles, what do you put as your job? - There's only a small little space. This could be a place to really have fun. When they're looking at your job, they already know what you do. When first starting out, you might list your agency. Once people know, now you can do something kind of funny, playing off as being the normal guy like: "Dad @ my house," or "Chaffeur, if you ask me kids!" or "Big Chief Butt-wiper." "The Burning Tire Job," "Rare Bird Trainer @ Barnum's Zoo!" where the frick did this guy come up with this stuff!? "Matchstick carver" does someone do that!? "Spaceman Spiff @ Space" --Hayes loves Calvin and Hobbes and thinks it's so good and has so many interesting ideas about spirituality and the future. Some people don't even have Calvin and Hobbes lunchbox, they just have picture of Calvin peeing on something. Those are illegal! If you have one of those or you see one, you must take it off! Get a portable hairdryer and blast it at the hottest setting.
- What about twitter bios? - Sean calls the twitter bio "Two Truths and a Lie." Say you're going to George Lucas's twitter, he might use "~~Story Teller~~ Mr. Make'em Up, Picture Taker," and you are set up for a wallop, you've been rocked to sleep, just when you're dozing off *alarm sounds* "Mr. Make'em Up, Behind the Camera Dude, and Inventor of Tabasco Sauce!" What a fucked up piece of weird shit!! Must be a list. Other lies: "..I put Sriracha on friggin everything!" Hayes likes "Two Truths.." ('Writer, actor,' 'Producer, director') starts them down the garden path then puts 'joker, smoker' from the song "the Joker Smoker," then he saves the twist for the end 'joker, smoker, midnight... Al Roker!?' Sean hyperventilates, he gets scared. Some synonyms for actor: plays pretend, word speaker, line memorizer, human prop. Writer?: slave at the blank page. That's a mean boss, the ol' B.P!
Popcorn Gallery
1. OcterDoctopus - "B.J., would you ever consider writing an episode of The Americans?"
  - He would not consider it. Better in the hands of people that would understand that show. Hayes and Sean know he doesn't like it and a little feud is starting.
2. Valerie Bryant - "Beej, when you created the hashtag '#longhairdontcare,' did you think it would make you an overnight celebrity or was it a happy accident?"
  - It was Chingy's idea. B.J. became an overnight celebrity after years of making unsuccessful hastags: #bootyrific, #orangeisthenewyellow
3. Burdrulz - "B.J., do you think John Candy is funny?"
  - Was funny, not so funny anymore. ...but you can still watch his movies.
Pro Version - honlads - more great advice, B.J. Novak will name his next book after you: it's abstract, and everyone will be on Amazon trying to pre-order it, crash the site. So he doesn't get it.

Recurring Jokes[]

Flyover States - all your friends from high school you left behind when you went to Hollywood work at the gunk factory now. Picture this: you just worked a 15 hour shift at the gunk factory. No, you crawled out from a pile of burning tires. You fire up facebook: do you want to see a bunch of photos of burning tires? Or you friend Hayes you went to school with, and he's saying "Just bagged another one" and there are some very suggestive photos. The implication being that Hayes porked that woman. Maybe you can think about that you porked that woman. Your hand slips.. downstairs. To grab a can of soda. Maybe there's a little.. stirring.. downstairs. What a sweet experience that could be!
Newspaper Comics - Hayes loves Calvin and Hobbes and thinks it's so good and has so many interesting ideas about spirituality and the future. Those Calvin peeing on stuff stickers are illegal! Have Garfield do it! Or scratching litter onto it
Speak on That - Sean is asked to speak on his principle for twitter bios being "Two Truths and a Lie." B.J. is asked to speak on how Shakespeare is funny by having funny lines and moments spread throughout his plays. And that his plays aren't funny overall.
Sriracha - maybe put it in your twitter bio!
Too Scary - Sean is scared of reading Hayes's super funny twitter bio, like while driving or otherwise. Hayes and Sean cried from fear at The Amazing Spider-man 2.
Banksy - The guys all pulling pranks inspired Sean's Banksy projects
Comic Books - discussion of The Amazing Spider-man 2 and write the Spider-man short story
Hayes Plays a Song - Usher ft. Young Jeezy "Love in This Club"
Mark - Sean explains how his friend Mark was always the funny one growing up, but now he just pushes garbage together. Sean helped him out by letting him do the sound drops for the Popcorn Gallery.
Shakespeare - like John Candy, his work is immortal. His comedies are funny. B.J. thinks he's funnier than Shakespeare
Holding Deal - B.J. didn't know John Candy's movies are still available, and this little mishap. It happens! B.J. doesn't know how you can confuse 'offer only' and a 'holding deal'
Crack My Shit Up - Shakespeare doesn't crack Sean's whole shit up