Iliza Shlesinger, Our Close Friend

Episode

56

Release Date

October 28, 2014

Episode Guide
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Lauren Lapkus, Our Close Friend	Sean and Hayes, Our Closest Friends

"Iliza Shlesinger, Our Close Friend" is the fifty-sixth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

The guys begin with another installment of The Right Stuff, where they explain the four types of conflict in detail. Then ILIZA SHLESINGER appears to talk funny business cards, explore a career in ventriloquy, and answer Popcorn Gallery questions about being a Jewish comedian and her ten catchphrases.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Hayes talking over the theme: So me and fatboy slim we have the time crisis guns, and I'm shooting it and he goes, "Ahh! mines to heavy I can't hold it up for so long!" and I'm like GIMME THAT! and I have both guns and I'm like stepping on both paddles and stuff, and I beat all the guys. Sean then says well, yeah but that's an easy game. Hayes is shocked and clarifies that they're shooting at you! Sean realizes his mistake and clarifies that he thought Hayes was talking about the game time, where you just shoot at clocks
The way time is played (it's not a video game) is each person gets out a clock and Sean will get out his Desert Eagle 44 Magnums and the fucking gold plated handles and he'll load them up with hollow points and just blast away at those clocks. Sean will often say that if you hit a 4 and then a 9 he'll go "Then I don't count brotha!" which usually causes an argument between him and fatboy
Hayes messes up the introduction to the show and has to repeat it a couple times and Sean stops a couple of times to make sure Hayes knows it's okay.
Hayes wants to talk about story -- whether it's movie TV show or book, everything has to have story. Sean goes on to say no matter what you're doing you have to get back to basic with story, you need to know what is at the actual middle part and center to of stories. Hayes knows the answer to this, it's conflict he get's an A+
All stories need conflict, you can't just have a story about a guy jerking off -- it has to be something like you have to tell him to stop jerking off because he's at the beach. Now you have a story! And an upcoming movie Trey Songz is gonna be jerking off at the beach, and a whole gang of people are going to be trying to stop him

Guest Segment[]

Sean talking over the theme: So I say to Penn Badgley, that is a perfect pumpkin may I see it? and he sort of himms and haa's and he hands it to me, and I turn it over and sure enough on the bottom are my initials. And that's why I put them there so you can't trick me and try to switch pumpkins!
They boys introduce Iliza and begin to try to pronounce her last name, it's pretty difficult to say the right way and Hayes asks we she doesn't do a bit on that in her stand up act, but Iliza clarifies to say she doesn't because she's not a minority comic. She's looking to marry someone very white to get a new last name
Hayes and Sean talk to Iliza what a library is and Iliza always wonders what would happen if you didn't pay the library fee. Sean and Hayes clarify that it stays on your permanent record and you'll be jailed
Hayes and Sean want to talk comedy to Iliza and they notice on her album cover there's a picture of a... (Sean and Hayes stumble around for awhile trying to figure out how to explain this picture) She's holding a lipstick, and... it's her hair and there's no. Iliza interjects to say that she's naked. Sean and Hayes can't seem to find their words and Iliza asks what's wrong with either of them?
Hayes asks Iliza about her podcast Truth and You, it's a name she came up with because she tried to pitch it as a pilot for years and decided to make it a podcast instead. Sean and Hayes talk about how podcasts are like pilots nowadays in this media landscape and Iliza interjects to say that she doesn't think they're nerds she think they're just writers. But Hayes clarifies to say no, because they read big science book.
Iliza talks about how they were all so young before 9/11 and how the terrorist's won. Hayes agrees saying he always remembers asking for his baa-baa before 9/11
Hayes asks Iliza how do you popular the show? Iliza is confused by the question so Sean clarifies. How do you have the show be listened? Iliza mumbles under her breath "you guys are creepy" And she says: on the internet it's a podcast. Sean says great! we do that too and so they ask a different question. What makes people listen to a show, and like it? and come back and listen again? to the same show different episode. Hayes and Sean want that. Iliza says that they must already have it seeing as she's not their first guest. To which Hayes interjects and says, Guests we have! but we need people to listen to the guest and them and other people doing that. How we do that? Iliza has an audible laugh and Hayes apologizes and that he's just so passionate
Iliza asks if she can speak to the scoop troop, and Hayes says sure but mentions to tell them to take out their pens first otherwise they'll try to write with their fists. Iliza tells the scoop troop to get out any writing utensil, it doesn't have to be a pen (Hayes tells her it's better to be specific) Iliza tells them to not write on their faces, and Sean says that they usually encourage people to write in their moleskine's (he pronounces it) Mule skeens and iliza is very thrown by this
Iliza can't get over how strangely Sean and Hayes talk and she compares them to Dutch people who are just figuring it out
Iliza is explaining that maybe to get the podcast more popular they should bring some kind of game or quiz element into the show, and suddenly the popcorn gallery theme starts playing! This catches Iliza by surprise and she yells this is horrible!
The audio suddenly cuts out and Sean comes back and says: Hey everyone if this was jarring to anyone it's because engineer Cody broke the machine. But he didn't break it from his muscles he's not that strong, he probably only broke it because he spilled his Hi-C all over it, fucking child. Iliza tells them to take it easy, he's their intern, and Cody says he gets paid to be here. Hayes and Sean clarify that it's not much money and it's certainly not the type of job any of them would want
Hayes asks Iliza that business cards are important right? Iliza says no they aren't. Hayes asks what about a funny one? Iliza asks Hayes if he just got serious with her, and Hayes said no, he's trying to get funny. Iliza says she's never seen a funny business card, and Sean tells her, she just hasn't seen Hayes'. Hayes' business card is red and green and it just says Santa Clause. Sean's business card is a sheet of toilet paper 'put your business on that card' Iliza asks Sean if girls laugh at that, and Sean says he hasn't really ever had the chance to talk to a girl in a business capacity it just hasn't come up.
Iliza wants to talk to Hayes more about his genius idea of pretending to be Santa Clause out of season and the logistics of his business card, and everyone talks about how Hayes' shorter white beard can be explained as Santa's summer look. Hayes talks about how his business card also says the North Pole on it, and Iliza asks if the North Pole is a real place? Jews don't know. Hayes says that the North Pole is a real place, he read it in a science book once (the same one as before)
Iliza needed to come up with a funny business card so she pulled one from the cracker jack box. The front says Iliza Shlesinger, and the back says or Sleshinger.
Iliza doesn't understand that Mark is doing the sound drops on the popcorn gallery and she thought it was Sean doing it. Sean tells her that it can be confusing because sometimes he lip syncs with the sound drop but it's all Mark.
Iliza starts making weird noises with her mouth open it's like ventriloquy -- and Hayes recommends Iliza doing that with the puppets. Iliza makes a quick puppet using a tissue box, and Iliza demonstrates her ventriloquy routine. 'Achoo' he can't find a kleenex because he's made of them. What a hellish existence

Recurring Segments[]

The Right Stuff - There's 4 different types of conflict in the world and during this segment Hayes and Sean will explain. In order to write a story you have to have the right stuff.
- First off is Man Vs Man - This is like Rambo vs some other mans face with a punch. You want the punching guy to have big muscles too. Hayes offers to say what if they guy getting punched was Arnold Schwarzenegger? And Sean tells him no because that'd be two good guys. Hayes then offers the scenario in which there's actually three guys and the bad guy forced them into fighting each other
- Man Vs Society - There's really only movie that does this and it's People Vs Larry Flynn and if you'll remember Larry Flynn was this really heroic character who wanted everyone to be free and there was a president that he can't do that you can't say that, but Larry Flynn stood up and told him he's gonna do whatever he wants to do, and if you didn't like it you can stuff it mister
- Man Vs Self - Much like the Trey Songz song. Also Keven Costner is the self in this scenario. A better example of this conflict is like if a man got a disease, so now that's a part of you, and you're sick. So it's like if you have diarrhea or can't stop peeing or a real illness like that. Or ever boners too hard. So the conflict is trying to get healthy
- Man Vs Nature - Sean immediately asks if getting bushwhacked sounds familiar to anyone? perhaps getting stung by a bee? getting bushwhacked is actually less of Man Vs Nature, and more of Man Vs Boyscout troop -- which is like a subdivision of Man Vs Society. Sean warns people about trying to join the society of the boy scouts even if you have all sorts of skills and snacks. Man Vs Nature is like if you're trying to be a tornado catcher, or plug up a volcano with a big ol cork.
Popcorn Gallery - Iliza has an idea for the popcorn gallery instead of reaching into a popcorn bag maybe it should be a bag full of cracker jacks instead.

1. Burger ho - "Iliza, as a jewish comedian what percentage of your earnings must be given to Jerry Seinfeld"
  - Iliza tells Bugerho to fuck off, it's a dumb name and a stupid even slightly anti-semetic question
2. Anastasia Vigo - "Iliza, in showbiz why do women need to look pretty?"
  - Iliza tells Anastasia that they don't all have to be. She says not all actress's are pretty
3. Michael Bay of Pigs - "Hey girl what they do? My name Ferrari cause of the trunk in the front. Can you say all ten of your catchphrases really fast?"
  - Iliza says, "I would be an asshole if I went around saying I got a catchphrase without having a TV show" Sean says that's one. "Where's the bathroom", "Is this open", "are these soda's 2 for 1?" "I need 50 dollars on pump 4 not the expensive gas but the middle one not diesel cause it's a Honda" "Are you guys hungry?", "Heeey" "9/11 was an inside job"
Pro Version - Burger ho -The prize is that Burger ho will get a very special how do you do from Iliza's new tissue box puppet. Hayes ends the show afterwards saying don't use that clip for anything sexual

Recurring Jokes[]

Politics - Sean relates Obama to the president in People Vs Larry Flynn
Scoop Troop - Iliza makes a statement that there are never no real famous people in a starbucks. Don't go to starbucks if you're wanting to meet a famous casting director or producer. Another piece of advice is to do the work or take a meeting
- Remember that your face is your face scoop troop. Iliza asks what the scoop troop is she's very confused by this
- Iliza says to make your podcast successful you have to book really big celebrities or be one yourself, that's it. Hayes demands that there has to be something else, because that's the only two things they do right is being on the internet, and having big celebrity guests
Flyover States - Hayes and Sean need to explain what Soho house's are since most of their listeners live in garbageville
Nerds - In her stand up special Iliza mentions how much comedians look horrible beneath their clothes, and Hayes and Sean ask isn't it true that you could only be funny if you was once a nerd? Iliza says she doesn't think that is true anymore. She thinks that most nerds want people to believe that
- Hayes and Sean disagree with Iliza here, and say that they love nerds, and are good friends with Chris Hardwick
- Iliza asks Sean and Hayes what are nerds nowadays anyway? to which they reply nerds is comic books. Including Japanese comic books, and even stars wars comic books. But not necessarily including dorks, because dorks is different
Speak on That - Sean asks Iliza to speak on that regarding her podcast and Iliza talks about how the theme is complaining, and they just talk about things that annoy them because there's too much positivity in the world
- During the popcorn gallery Hayes asks Iliza to speak on that regarding her finding bugerho's question anti-semetic. Iliza says that's not how Hollywood works, she doesn't owe anything to Jerry and Jewish people don't owe other Jewish people anything
- Sean asks Iliza to speak on that regarding which actresses in Hollywood aren't pretty. Iliza says how you can have a talented actress who isn't pretty, and then Hayes asks her to speak on that regarding if there is an untalented non pretty actress. Iliza says this is a stand up comedian
- Hayes asks Iliza to speak on that regarding content. Iliza says that she's producing massive hot loads of content. (She starts to break and laugh saying that she doesn't understand what is happening)
- Iliza actually thinks there are comics out there who do give joker cards as business cards, and Hayes asks her to speak on that. Iliza restates she thinks there are comics out there who do that
- Sean asks if comedy is like football, and Iliza says comedy is exactly like football. Sean asks her to speak on that and Iliza says there is absolutely no difference between the two, they're the same because you play with a lot of heart there's a lot of aggression and the best team doesn't always win.
Talking to the Engineer - Engineer Cody tries to sabotage the show and he breaks the machine
Mark - When Sean reaches into the cracker jack box the soundrop reaches in and pulls out the wire for the friggin' recording device DUUUUH and Sean exclaims how that sound drop was engineer Cody reaching into the box.
- When playing the next sound drop Iliza exclaims how it sounds like he just came which. Mark finds an old wrestling singlet in the cracker jack box. Sean asks Cody why Mark had him finding that in the cracker jack box and asks if there's something Cody wants to tell them about some athletic days gone by. Cody replies no.
- On Marks third sound drop he clearly and vividly explains he found something in the bag and it's not a sex noise.
Too Scary - Sean actually has a suggestion for Iliza how about just using a joker card because that's kinda her business, but Hayes says not a real joker though cause that's scary -- the intent of this business card idea is to educate not to frighten

Ads[]

This episode is brought to you by Cards Against Humanity they asked us not to read ad. Hayes is reading this ad alone in the forest, Sean doesn't know that Hayes is doing this ad, he's getting really pissed off and said that if they get any more fake ads he would go postal. However Hayes mentions the show really needs the money, and luckily Sean doesn't know how to listen to the show.