Thomas Middleditch, Our Close Friend

Episode

63

Release Date

December 16, 2014

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"Thomas Middleditch, Our Close Friend" is the sixty-third episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

Sean and Hayes discuss the holidays in L.A. with a new version of a classic segment: “You’re Doing It Wrong: By Ho Ho Hove I Think Eggnog It”. Then, TV star THOMAS MIDDLEDITCH is in the studio to talk about Mike Judge, the nerd takeover of comedy, working with Martin Scorcese, and what happened behind the scenes on Splinterheads. Also, Gmail Roulette brings a sneak peak into Thomas’ celebrity life.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Hayes over the theme: "So Justin.. uh, Long yells up at me, like 'What are you doing up there!?' and I'm like 'You'll see!' and I'm like climbing the water tower, you know, like a palm tree, just doing like a free-climb. I undo the cap, it all comes out, and then it's like 'So long, drought!' Cause then it's like, we needed this so long, and it was right there! It's right in the Warner Brothers water tower. Yes, cause people think like, the Animaniacs live in there or whatever, that was like the whole legend, or whatever. But it is, it's just a water tower." If Sean knows the Animaniacs, Yakko's just gonna be surfin on a big wave of water, it's not like it's gonna hurt them. Plus they were nice, not scary.
Sean quietly says the show mission statement along with Hayes, as Hayes finishes, he asks if Sean wants to do it. Hayes reveals that for the first 40-45 times he said it, Sean was just mouthing along, in an excited way. As if he wanted to do it, and he was showing that he could and wanted to try himself. Sean has, increasingly, been doing it along with him. Sean asks if he was doing it out loud, was he getting it right? Sean suggests he might if Hayes were too tired, or his voice were hoarse. He'd like to try it, but doesn't want to take away Hayes doing it. Hayes says he does get a little tired from doing the procedural stuff. Hayes suggests Sean try it for this episode, they'll play the song and he'll do it.
While the song plays, Hayes asks if Sean has any questions. Sean shushes him, and hopes that he's not being rude. He nervously clears his throat throughout. The first attempt, Sean brings lots of energy, however the words jumble together some, and he is unable to finish. He also starts a little earlier than Hayes. Hayes is very encouraging, but says that they usually wait until the end of the song to do it.
The second attempt, Sean quietly practices under his breath as Hayes wishes him good luck. He starts early again and has Sam play it again, just the end.
The third attempt he may have been too excited. He tries to be more casual in the next few attempts, but doesn't get much further than 'kicking butt and dropping names.' He circles back around to the beginning! Hayes reminds Sean that he was doing the end part before. Sean gets to the end and doesn't say the last word because he knows he can say it better. Hayes sort of wonders if he actually knows the last word, and isn't starting over because he doesn't know it? They go back and forth, and Hayes worries he doesn't know the last word and that they'll go through the whole thing again and he won't know the last word.
Sean "Ayy everybody, welcome to Hollywood Handbook, the insider's guide to kicking butt, dropping names in the red carpet-lined back hallway the industry that we call sharkbites!!" Hayes corrects that it's 'showbiz.' Shirtbiz. Showbiz. That's for next time!
Hayes thinks it's nice to live in LA, but he does miss seasons. Sean loudly interrupts "You can go fuckin' crazy here! Cause there's no way to mark time." Time passes in a crazy way. In other places, if you want to know what time it is, you look at a tree or you look at the ground, and there are little clues that can tell you.
A calendar is only if you remember to turn the page on the right time. If you forget to turn it at the right time, it just becomes paper, just has a picture of Lambourghini. Or a hot rod with a hot bod. Then it's just a nice picture.
Hayes and Sean love Christmastime around the Grove, however they see that people are doing it wrong

Guest Segment[]

Sean over the theme: "So I turn to Tipper.. Gore! And I go 'Ooouuuh, explicit lyrics warning!' because she, I mean, at this point, I'd been listening to her fuck all night through the wall, you know? She's saying some pretty wild shit!" Hayes "And like her plan, to get rid of all the other fucking noises, so like her's can be the best." "Yes! Because she wants to be number one, it's that competition that's in her!"
The boys have a corker, corker, corker of a guest. A corker of a guest and a real hot one, he's gonna really blow your hair back: Thomas Middleditch!
Thomas just got back from visiting his good friend John DuPont, his gravestone. Of the Foxcatcher organization, a good personal friend of Thomas's. He shares a passion for wrestling, on the mat, and off. He was a high school wrestler, with his build, it's fairly obvious. He wrestled at 220 and above. 'Middleweight' wouldn't that have been so interesting? He made regionals! His signature move is the chest slap, the hand hold, he likes to grit his teeth and say "You can't, you can't!" It's mentally pretty devastating. Imagine trying to do something and somebody grits their teeth and says they can't, then they don't feel good about even trying, their confidence is shattered!
Thomas is the main star of Silicon Valley. Hayes congratulates them on the AV Club Best TV of the Year, it is not top 35, but A.A. Dowd gave them a shout-out for being the best of not making the list. This could mean they were 36th, only two spots behind The Leftovers which is famously, a really good show! Thomas says this is like being number one in the 36-to-infinity list, beat out everyone else!
Sean asks what it's like working with Bad Judge. He's kind of a tyrant, and really an effeminate guy. Wears a little gown a lot of the time, he was disappointed. He expected a Texas guy, a root and tootin meat-eater guy, in overalls, strong but silent. Sean would want to see him spit terbaccie and make that like (spittoon) sound! He's kind of a Paul Lind incarnate. His favorite thing, when he likes a take, is to go "Cut! (Paul Lind voice) Un-bul-eev-a-ble!" It's hammy, a bit much. Over the top.
Sean wants to say a 'Thank you' because the TV show that Thomas is doing is finally showing real nerds like him on TV, and making them the heroes! Aren't nerds taking over, and isn't it the bullies' time to get in the backseat, and aren't they really ruling the world now? They're really hacking the mainframe of society! But in a funny time, as well. A 2-4 measure of comedy. "Not my time!" Because of the drum movie, and not Birdman, but the other one with the drums.
Thomas sees a lot of movies, he comes in with lots of movie references (Foxcatcher, the drummer movie). He might have Oscar fever! He's talking about Big Hero 6, Birdman, Inherent Vice (which he hasn't seen). Sean hasn't seen it either, and he's excited, even if he hates it. Sean speculates that he might have caught Oscar fever because last year he had a scene in an Oscar movie Wolf of Wall Street. Thomas remembers when Martin Scors' comes up to him and says 'Tommy, baby, I need for you to do me a favor' and Thomas was eating a frozen yogurt at the time and he says 'Martin, I haven't spoken to you since Janet's wedding, Jackson! Are you sure you want me in your film?' He goes 'You're the only one who can save it. I've got Leo tanking, I've got Jonah tanking. I need a good guy with a good fishbowl routine, and I've seen your act, and I love it!'
Marty had seen Thomas's one-man-show Help! Help! I'm in a Fishbowl! It was amazing how well it translated to the big screen. Like how Thomas always says: Theater goes to the big screen like two steppers in a step routine. Thomas had to tell him he was only in it for the Bejamins
Thomas missed on the Goldie nod this past week. He set his alarm for 4:15 to accept the day and brew his French press. Hayes was smelling it before! He loves a good French press, he was refreshing on the Hollywood variety, TMZ. He was considered if not a frontrunner, a dark horse. Sean is working on a piece called "Goldie Nod and the Three Snubs," and Thomas is number one. Papa Snub.
Thomas says its hard to get nominated with only one season, 8 episodes. Some of the others have 22 episodes, or are twice as long. You get to be on screen more!
Hayes suggests going over some of the Goldie nods and saying how what Thomas was doing was more interesting:
- Jeffrey Tambor: Boring! Hello! If he wanted to see that he'd go to his show (he has a crossdresser / drag show he puts on every Sunday. There is a goldfish bowl running in this one too).
Sean and Thomas discuss how gorgeous the new UCB Sunset space is. The ceilings are so tall! And the sound, great acoustics. Sean likes to hear himself, then hear himself again, then not hear anyone else! Thomas's favorite part is somehow they've soundproofed the audience, you get very little reaction. They might be laughing, though! Or it could just be a shitty show, it's hard to say.
Thomas can't get enough of these Pitch Perfect movies or enough Hunger Games. Big fan of both. These are the big two for Sean as well. The dream is to combine them, just picture Hunger Games little Katkiss (what's her name?) Kitkat, she's shooting her bow and arrow, running away from all the bloodthirsty teens, and she's singing (Sean starts doing the percussion part from Queen's "We Will Rock You" and Thomas sings gibberish to the tune of it! A stunning rendition) Sean agrees that this is better than any movie
- Louis C.K. and the show of the same name: Hack.
- William Macy in Shameless: William Who's-he in Whatless?
- Don Cheadle in House of Lies: (Hayes warns him to be careful because he is good) More like Ronnie Beetle in I've Got Pies. Hayes thinks this is going a little far. For Sean, as a comedic performer, he is number one. When did he laugh so far he couldn't breathe? It was probably during House of Lies and it was probably something that Don was doing!
- Ricky Gervais in Derek: Hayes says he has to give it up for this performance. Sean thinks it is time for someone to start playing a retarded guy, for laughs! He like slaps his chest with his hand. Thomas is glad someone took that note from Tropic Thunder to heart: No, you do play full retard.
Thomas interrupts to say he's getting buzzed (presumably receiving a text message). It's Jane Fonda, the Monster-in-law, she says 'Where'd you leave the keys?' He does the Mike Judge as Paul Lind impression again.
Splitting off from the Gmail Roulette round, Hayes wants to talk about Jim Jarmusch. He loves how everyone in his films is having a good smoke, just having a nice interesting smoke (inhaling, exhaling, making a rumble sound). Sean says he likes how it feels that maybe he doesn't know what he wants to do yet when he starts shooting it. It's a journey! Always a journey. Is there anything more daring than being confusing?
Some of Thomas's favorite Jar' movies are Winter's Bone 2: Get Me Out of Here! Hayes and Sean did a pass on the first Winter's Bone, their original version was about Edgar Winter, Thomas asks a Nick Frost character, a Jack Frost, a Nick Thune-type? Sean says "You know what the note was? Too Thune!" He's a charmer, god he's so good looking. Big cool guy, little sort of fucked up car. Sean asks if Thomas saw (Nick Thune film) Bad Johnson? Thomas did not, he saw Good David. This is about a guy who turns into a nice penis
Thomas remembers reading the script for Bad Johnson, Sean thinks a lot of people read it. It was just available to be read, people were sending it around. Sean had an experience with Bad Johnson: that happened to him! It was based on his life. He was only listening to his penis, and not his heart or his brain. So he made a wish on his birthday, and when he's blowing the candle on the cake, ice cream cake, mint chocolate chip (yes, please!!), he's making the wish, and he goes: 'Mmm I wish my dick would become a mean guy!"
Sean "Now, Nick was on the show, Thomas, how do you feel about that? And do you think you're doing better than he did, or worse?" Thomas "I've listened to the episode, I can guarantee ya that I'm doing better, I feel sorry for him, I'm sorry he's having such a tough time, and I wish him to get well soon!" Hayes "Isn't that nice?" Sean "Yes, well now I feel like such a jerk for roasting him."
Thomas offers Nick some advice based off his experience doing the movie Splinterheads. You learn how to focus, and how Hollywood is a tough game. He's been snubbed. And he showed the tip of his penis through wet boxers in this film, gave his soul. Hayes suggests this is what gave it that title. Thomas gave his soul to Brant Serson, the director. It kicks ya. Sean suggests to Thomas that he felt like this Adventureland movie comes out, it's another heartfelt, carnival-based film, coming-of-age, Sean doesn't remember how much of Eisenberg's penis he saw (Thomas guarantees zero)
When they wrapped, Thomas remembers saying to Lea Thompson "Sweetheart, I think we did it." And they hugged, and he turned around and someone had on their phone the trailer to this Adventureland movie. He said it looked like dogshit, Jesse who? And it made over 80 million dollars in revenue.. from merchandise sales.They did the toys. You could get the toy Ryan Reynolds cool carnival guy, green Army jacket on Kristen Stewart, the Kristen Stewart fake head that you can kiss, the toy Big Star record.
Thomas has a first generation 3D Printer and he is making Silicon Valley dolls for free! Gotta whet their appetites, get them hungry. Hayes says he'd like to buy the one of "the Babe." People are mad at Silicon Valley, watch the trailer, there's no women, there is one woman! Number two, there's a friggin' guy who's not a white guy! One of the main guys on the show! His name is ~~Darmush~~ Gargamel! It's give 'em an inch.
Thomas feels like he's on strings and Hollywood is the puppet master. He's never been in a more restrictive environment than working with Home Box Office!
Thomas has a food blog: help.org(frontslice)contactus. He describes lots of the various keys on the keyboard, frontslice, backslice, arrow arrow, half big C / sort of lazy C, hard C, tic tac toe, up arrow, loop-de-loop.
Thomas remembers a line from Splinterheads: "Wait, wait, wait, wait. She's into.. m-m-m-me? She's a b-b-b-b-babe!" Rachel.. Taylor. Dream. He remembers they high fived.
In between Popcorn Gallery questions, Thomas sings Queen's "Bicycle" as an example of when they are up in the trees and the kids are savagely sort of trying to chop down the tree and get her, and an evil robot bee is next to her, and she only has one arrow left. It's all Queen songs! People think that just because there has been on Queen jukebox musical that there can't be another one, tied to the Hunger Games. "We Will Rock You" becomes "We Will Shoot You With An Arrow," but the bicycle is staying pretty close to the bicycle thing
Thomas says he's thirsty and asks for the hand sanitizer, Hayes warns him that it's potent. Sean tells him that Engineer Cody was drinking that at one time (as mentioned in Ep. #046 - Jessica Williams, Our Close Friend). It really sort of melted his brain!
While reading Popcorn Gallery questions, Hayes complains that so many are plays on his name such as 'Are you in the middle of a ditch?' Thomas says you and Darren Lindsay, he was his bully. Sean says Thomas owes him a great deal of gratitude with the bullying, Thomas then makes fun of the way Sean says 'bullying.' This is all part of his fishbowl one man show, and you can't see it, but he's molesting a small child! Thomas corrects that you can see it, every Tuesday night at UCB Sunset! It's nice that he has so much more room now to ride the model train all the way around the room. He does a Woody Allen scene, a Bill Cosby scene. Sean asks for every one not to laugh at the UCB Sunset show, it screws him up and he loses his place and he has to start again! Hayes clarifies that his Cosby scene is him not doing anything wrong, and Thomas agrees, it's just him doing some of The Kids Say the Darndest Things bits.
For the fourth question, Thomas tries to read the next Popcorn Gallery question ahead of time. Hayes reprimands him gently, but he notices.. a picture of someone sleeping? Hayes tell him that someone has photoshopped themselves sleeping in a bathtub over a toilet. He asks how many subscribers, and Sean quits playing the sound drop
Thomas says out of all the podcasts he's been on, this one has been absolutely the worst. Hayes and Sean agree "That's fair." "Sure." It's not supposed to be fun

Recurring Segments[]

You're Doing It Wrong: By Grove I've Got It! As: "You're Doing It Wrong: By Ho Ho Hove I Think Eggnog It"
- They brainstorm a few ideas of how to alter the name of the beloved segment to make it Christmas themed. A hot stove in a cabin. Ho Ho Hove--Sean worries this might be mistaken for a Jay Z thing. Sean tries By Grove I Think Eggnog It (Sam laughs off mic). Hayes stands by his, still believing it's the best. They agree to do both! By the end of all of this, they don't have a ton of time for the segment, so just do a couple of short tips
- Sean says one thing is this fountain! They've talked about it in the past, but it is different this time, because Christmas music is playing. The water is almost dancing to the music, and it's doing sort of a dance style. Sean reveals that it's a computer brain that's doing all the movements. And the water's not gonna freeze just cause it's Christmastime! So please don't try to skate there.
- Please go see Santa Claus. Get in line for Santa's village. But please be careful when you sit down, because sometimes you think it's Santa Claus, but it's actually the map that like shows you where to go in the mall. There's a lot of things that could be Santa Claus that are not! Don't. Sit. On any of 'em! What Sean likes to do is ask 6 or 7 people nearby "Is this Santa?" before sitting down. Ask him too, and if it is him, he has to tell you, otherwise it's entrapment. And when you do go to sit down, do it really slow. Don't jump down, or go fast. Could be somebody dog. There's no good ending to this scenario! If it moves, whack! There goes your butt! If it doesn't move, squirrr! That's the sound a dog make.
  - Or sometimes if it's a really big dog, suddenly you're being carted away on the back of this thing, probably chasing a cat. Probably running all crazy, bringing you god knows where! Yes they do have white dogs, you might think a white fuzzy thing must be Santa's beard, but it also can be a dog. Because of the science breeding that they do just for shows. Purchasing a dog is worse than crime. If you're doing that, Sean has a message for you that he says right now, it's on the podcast: "You don't do that!" Is that clear enough, or do you need him to say it again, and he hopes you don't
Gmail Roulette - Hayes introduces this song in the Guest Segment by playing the Charlie Murphy-Browns Theme Song
- The Gmail Roulette button makes some pretty crazy noises as it shuffles through, trying to find one. Pausing to play a clip of Matthew McConnaughey saying "Why don't we uh.. hook around that.. neutron star?" then more excerpts from Interstellar.
- Thomas got an e-mail from: Kevin Costner @gmail. Thomas is very hesitant to read it, saying that it's mortifying. Subject: Fun party last night.
  - "Hey, I'm excited to tell you that I really enjoyed that selection of vegan cheeses. A couple regrets: I'm sorry I got so.. hammered. Tell Sammy (not Davis Jr.) Hagar-Watkins that sorry I tore his blouse. And I know this is out of left field, but can I get Jim Jarmusch's phone number?" Thomas writes back "Go fuck yourself." It was an unreplied e-mail, from four months ago
Popcorn Gallery
- CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD - "For Thomas Middleditch: You claim you're a big time nerd because you're on The IT Crowd but how do I know you're a real nerd like Chris Hardwick and not just a faker?"
  - Hayes thinks this is a very important question. Thomas was at a party with his date at that time, Haley Joel Osmont (Sean and Hayes points, points, they agree to do this Around the Horn style). He remembers both of them being seduced by a very inebriated Keanu Reeves, he had just finished Jack Reacher 2: John Wick and they were all getting along great, and he remembers: he wakes up, face-down, in a hot tub! Chlorinated water, in his lungs, and Keanu had taken Haley away from him! So he doesn't know if this makes him a nerd, but here's something a nerd might say: do the math!
- Matchgame72 - "Who would win in a computer fight, you or Jesse Eisdenberg?"
  - Hayes mentions how this is interesting how Thomas and Jesse have sort of been rivals for a long time, on parallel model trains. Jesse is always lagging behind a little bit with Thomas. The only interaction he has had with Jesse is that they were at a Kings game, and they accidentally sat next to each other because there are those celebrity rows. Hayes tells Sean he might want to listen to this, but Sean was looking for a question that he thought was funny since so many of the Popcorn Gallery questions are bad. Sean gives the question to Hayes, then says, "Oh yeah, so what happen, he ate the puck or somethin'?" Thomas says OK, you read the trades.. Good job. Next! Hayes says for everyone to read Jesse Eisenberg's Shouts and Murmurs, if you want to laugh. So, so, so, so, so-so funny. Thomas agrees, he has a great pictures-only blog. He's a little behind Thomas, it's saveme.edu(frontslice)pics.html
- Asteck - "Mr. Middleditch, in a scenario where you are buying your burial plot and there are three holes side-by-side, which one would you choose to put your headstone over and why?"
  - Thomas says the 'middle,' Sean chose this one because he thinks it's the best version of the joke that 14 people did. This one kind of takes a little time to make this first-thought joke feel like a real question. Thomas's mother's maiden name is Pickering, so he guesses he would Pickering the middle!
- Zsinjeh was going to get his question read, but Mark pulled a code for the end of the show out of the bag! Nice try, Zsinjeh, better luck next week.
Pro Version - Dixon's package of goodies is going to be a little late because of the Holidays, it's going to take a little while to ship. Also he gets to hear a selection from the Hunger Games / Queen musical. "Fat Bottomed Girls, keep help the rockin' girls go 'round. Help me! I'm gettin' chased!"

Recurring Jokes[]

Sean's Dad - In LA, to know what time it is, you ask your dad, and he has a calendar, and he knows if it's right or not because of what nature is doing. When Sean asks his dad, he does have a calendar, but he doesn't know what nature is doing, so he can't tell if he's turned the page or not.
Too Scary - Sean gets scared just imagining Thomas's signature wrestling moves
Nerds & Bullies - Thomas is doing is finally showing real nerds like him on TV, and making them the heroes! Aren't nerds taking over, and isn't it the bullies' time to get in the backseat, and aren't they really ruling the world now? They're really hacking the mainframe of society! CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD asks Thomas how one can know that he is a real nerd like he says.
Seinfeld - Thomas does an impression of Jerry Seinfeld screaming to Elaine how people like the show Derek. He then quickly cycles through Elaine impression ("Get! Out!"), a George impression ("Vandelay Industries!"), and a sight-gag for Kramer (doing a Kremer move "Oo!")
Mark - Mark's first sound drop is pulling out a computer chip! Mark might think he is reaching into a bag of potato chips, but it's popcorn. Hayes is glad to hear he's feeling better though. Mark's second sound drop is a big bar of code chip-- he got the note after, even though sometimes it does feel like he's anticipating or doing it in real time and he might be doing it in real time.
Points! - CORPSEFUCKER SHITLORD asks Thomas how one can know that he is a real nerd like Chris Hardwick, like Thomas claims. Sean says if he gets this question right he gets 'Points!'
Corker of a Guest