Jason Mantzoukas, Our Close Friend

Episode

26

Release Date

April 1, 2014

Episode Guide
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Scott Aukerman and Jeff Ullrich, Our Business Associates	Joe Wengert, Our Close Friend

"Jason Mantzoukas, Our Close Friend" is the twenty-sixth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis[]

Hayes and Sean start off by playing “6 degrees of Cabocation” and talk about Nielson hatings. Then, friend of the show JASON MANTZOUKAS stops by to talk about expectations in a relationship, hanging around the office on his unknown Earwolf podcast How did this get made?, Phoenix-fest, how superior laser discs are, and Ride Along.

Notes & Memorable Quotes[]

Pre-Guest Segment[]

Sean over the intro: So Tilda Swinton's furious, goes "Where's my mother fucking cheese danish?!" and I go, no Mrs Swinton you misheard me... I said, she's Danish. I was talking about the model I was fingeriing. She apologized.
Hayes quickly gives a shoutout to Sam Wilson who donated $100 to the show, Cabo Sam Lucas is now named after Sam Wilson and Sam Worthington, not George Lucas or Engineer Sam

Guest Segment[]

Hayes, coming back from break: "So I said to Anna... Kendrick: 'Uh, if you want the part, you gotta.. get down there.' And she starts to undo my button-fly jeans! And I'm like 'What's!? What are you doing!? I meant down in my basement! There's a bat down there, I need you to trap it! DON'T KILL IT.'"
Jason was late, his assistant fucked up his schedule. Hayes usually has a problem where his assistant has him show up 45 minutes early to everything which is even worse, because you seem way to eager for everything
Sean's wife Steffi won't let him have a female assistant anymore. It's trouble!
Hayes can only have a little kid assistant, should he ever decide to go a .. different way
James Dean said he wasn't going to live his life with one hand behind his back (re: bisexuality)
Hayes thinks the studio heads are nice looking guys. Jason thinks the ugly monster studio heads have the intials MR and TC
Jason talks about his podcast How Did This Get Made
Sean and Hayes mention how great Jason is around the studio and Jason doesn't recall meeting Hayes or Sean before. Sean clarifies that they haven't met, it's just been a lot of in-passing type of stuff. Jason mentions he thinks he has seen them, but maybe he just thought they were the same person. Sean and Hayes swapped wearing glasses one day and it must have just tricked Jason
Jason has trouble recognizing the gentleman who hosts the Sklarbro podcasts
Sean wasn't to talk about the Earwolf Caf' where everyone has their meals. Sean brings little baggies with him and takes the Cap'n Crunch home with him! Jason warns him that's not a good idea
The HDTGM guys like to keep seats open for when their bros come by, like the Who Charted guys or maybe the Professor Blastoff guys, there's never room for Sean and Hayes even though they've tried to sit down with them before
The Who Charted guys are on the schedule to do South By South West. Hayes says that's an OK festival. Hayes and Sean have done the Phoenix festival, Phoenix Fest. They may have gotten the HDTGM slot. The great Phoenix cover band played, the festival was in Tulsa. And celebrated the mythical bird. Did not feature the number one United States Phoenix cover band Blisstomania, they were doing a different fest.
Hayes and Sean don't want the new podcasts Glitter and the Garbage, Michael Detective, Totally Laime, or Jake Fogelnest to sit with them at lunch because they're new.
Jason and the older podcast guys have infinite podcast points on their Earwolf cafeteria meal cards. Sean and Hayes mentioned they had about 20
Hayes asks if the answer to How Did This Get Made for Old Dogs was because it had four huge movie stars in it and made a lot of money. It had four actors with a proven track record, and gorillas.
Did you guys Travolta-fy your name today!? He said a name wrong, so funny!
Sean talks about how rad his basement is. It's so sick.
Jason has 1100 laser discs. High fidelity. And the blacks! So dark, you could get lost in those inky blacks.
Hayes asks Jason what he says to girl stuff what does he do. Jason answers quickly: "Credits." Stuff they've seen him in, stuff he's done.
You can cut through a lot of bullshit with just three things:
- A Hundred dollar bill. Pay with a hundred, don't ask for change. Act annoyed.
- "We gotta get this done, I got an early call in the morning."
- (The third was not said until the end of the show at the Pro Version)
Hayes asks Jason about the movie Ride Along. Jason married Ice Cube's sister in order to pitch the idea to Cube. Jason talks about his movie making process and how the movie was actually originally called Bride Along.
Making love to cars is a real thing! Objects can be beautiful
"I mean we're all kinda dating our phones right?" - Sean
Jason talks about how loving your phone is just like the movie 12 years a slave and how we're slaves to technology
Legit on TBS is like the other side of the Matrix
Speaking of slaves... Hayes asks Jason what it's like being a minority as an actor and performer in this city. All most people see is a writer, and Jason has to really assert himself apart of being this writer guy, and make them put him in movies. Hayes compares their attitudes to the chains and whips of jealousy
Hayes thinks people freak out too much, and they should be able to talk about things as bad or worse than rape openly.
Hayes and Sean talk extensively about how Bruce Reid Robinson II is trying to steal Jason's identity by having his face as his avatar on the forums. They ask Jason if he has Bruce's face as HIS avatar, and he says no, in fact he doesn't know what 'forum' or 'avatar' is. His question also alludes to him gathering information about Jason's allergies and person life. It's all very fishy.
Jason may have used Magnum PI as his avatar. Magum was a boss.
Sean's weakness is beautiful women. In a two piece? OK. mmhmmm
Hayes asks Jason about his fame for wearing white oxford shirts, and Jeans. Jason doesn't think about it he just puts on whatever he has, he just only happens to have white shirts and jeans. It's just what came with the house.
Sean had a dehumidifyer in his basement to avoid the wet breathing sound Jason's basement girl has. You can drink that water if you're willing to take the red pill!!
Sean was wicked high the entire show. And Hayes was sick. Jason really respects how cool Sean is now that he learned how wicked high he was.
Sean likes Robo-tripping. OOBE: Out Of Body Experience
Hayes and Sean agree to do HDTGM in exchange, Jason say's it's cool

Recurring Segments[]

6 degrees of Cabocation - Rules of the game pick two random (current) celebrities, and connect them with who has gone on a cabocation with Sean and Hayes in six moves or less
- Amanda Seyfried connected to Sam Worthington: She was at a cabocation with Hayes and Sean, and she was in a barely there string bikini the whole time. Sean was sippin on rum drinks playing a lot of paddleball. Hayes remembers that she couldn't really hang, she passed out with her shoes on and Sean drew some really fucked up things on her head. After her incident they decided to have a no girls allowed policy
- They connect Lukas Haas from Amanda and they decided to rename the vacation to Cabo San Lukas. They were having a little fun with some...uh recreational uh substances. Uh Smoking DMT.
- They connect Jake Busey from Lukas Haas. They met Jake on the set of Tomcats, and Jake mentioned he just wanted to go to a place where there was swimming and vacations and fun, so Sean and Hayes invited Jake on the cabocation and they all got suntans.
- They then connect Josh Lucas from Jake Busey. They started to invite more Lucases after Lukas Haas, since the whole vacation was renamed Cabo San Lucas now. They prank called George Lucas a few times, telling him to "Suck on these" because Sean and Hayes created a space-man film, and George was wanting to control all of them. Josh was the one who loved room service
- They then connect Rose Byrne from Josh Lucas, which Sean and Hayes broke the no girls allowed rule for. She could hang! She proved she could hang because she mentioned she wanted to splash around in the water and get sand between her toes, she tried Toronto, but it was too cold.
- Then they connected Sam Worthington from Rose Byrne, it was the very next day after Rose Byrne that they went on a Cabo vacation with Sam. And now because of his ability to hang that's why they renamed it Cabo Sam Lucas. Engineer Sam thought they named it after him. It took him forever to make that 'Thank You' card.
- And so you see, that's how Sean and Hayes connected Amanda Seyfried to one another through their Cabocation, they weren't connected in anyway before (except that they're both hot young celebs, and the boofed each other) Sean and Hayes recommend the game if you have any mega A-list celebs that you go on cabocations with
Nielsen Hatings - Hayes and Sean discuss Nielsen Ratings, and how the system is outdated.
- Hayes and Sean start off mentioning how the ratings system work. They're not sour grapes, they're very sweet grapes. Are they biting the hand that feeds them a little bit because they made such fucking beaucoup bucks off of it? These powerful execs and important people have these Nielsen boxes that you put inside your home, and it controls what TV is getting broadcasted out there. There's usually a couple in each state
- Only two people per state get Nielsen boxes
- Your content is usually being dictated by what the governor and lieutenant governor of Utah want to see! And that's not who Sean and Hayes want to make TV for. Sean makes TV for badass, freak gutter punks, kids smokin' ciggies, and fuckin' doing sick ass Ollies and wicked kickflips
- Sean and Hayes have the California boxes, so about 20% of their stuff gets seen by people
- You have to honor the computer. You have to have computer. Just stick your computer on your wall, or in your car, or on top of your house, and watch that instead.
- You could even bring computer on a canoeing trip because it has battery. Sean goes on about how his buckskin canoe is one he made with his dad and it's 100% from the earth, you could eat it or smoke it if you want to and you'll be fine because it's all completely natural. It might expand your mind a little bit. Sean has done this and made some very good jokes after.
- Time for a change #NielsenHatings and you can @ Sean and Hayes if you want.
Popcorn Gallery
1. Freja - "Mr Mantzoukas, do you have any tips on how to straighten my hair? Like you do on Kroll Show"
  - The easiest way to do it is to have 2 people who work in hair, come to your house. He offers to have the two girls who worked on his hair to go to her house and help her.
2. Bruce Reid Robinson II - "Jason, could you please give a comprehensive list of your food and environmental allergies?"
  - Short list: Eggs
Pro Version - TheloniousJunk - The prize this week is the third thing you can cut through all the bullshit with. Ask her if she wants to snort an Adderall, and then cut up a roofie

Recurring Jokes[]

Talking to the Engineer - Sean talks to Sam and asks if remembers how fucking stupid he was for thinking they renamed the Cabo Sam Lucas after him. Sam mentions it took him forever to make that 'Thank You' card.
Doesn't Own a TV - Sean clarifies that even though he has a Nielsen box, he doesn't have a TV. In fact the highest rated show lately is not owning a TV
One Eighth Native American - People on Indian reservations don't own a TV as well. What people on the reservation are watching every night is the fire.
Wife and Kids - Sean took Steffi and the kids to the lake, she never wants to miss an episode of that show Arrow. Steffi won't let Sean have a female assistant any more
Sean's Dad - Sean made his buckskin canoe with his dad. His basement is really rad. Sean's dad is dating his aunt.
Homoeroticism - Hayes is only allowed to have a little kid for an assistant should he ever decide to become bisexual
Sean's Little Cousin - Sean talks about how his little cousin showed him this website where you can Travolta-fy your name. Not even your name, you can do your friend's name too
Flyover States - in Ohio people watch the Left Behind movies in a church. In your Virginia or Connecticut, they have to wait until it's raining and walk outside to straighten their hair, rather than have two hair people come over and do it in 45 minutes
Too Scary - When Jason gets a stain on one of his white shirts, he gives it to the girl to put in the basket, gives the basket to the basement girl to watch. Jason doesn't like to see the basement girl, too spooky. Working in the environment without windows makes her a little off.