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"Jon Gabrus, Our Close Friend" is the twenty-second episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis Edit

Sean and Hayes address some fan feedback and announce some more Notscar winners. Friend of the show and Guy Code regular JON GABRUS joins the guys to discuss emotions in movies, side chicks, and viral videos. Then, the Popcorn Gallery delves into controversial topics like The Da Vinci Code, the Nerdist podcast, Pellegrino, MTV, and who to avoid at Oscar after-parties.

Notes & Memorable Quotes Edit

Pre-Guest Segment Edit

  • Sean over the song: Sean is in front of the mirror applying his clown makeup before the show, Hugh Jackman puts his hand on his shoulder and he's like "Can you help me put my make-up on too?" and Sean's like "You lookin' to lose that hand, Huuugh?" Where does he find the audacity!?
  • The guys start the show by serving themselves a big bowl of humble pie, perhaps even a plate depending on the consistency of the pie, how long it's been out of the oven.
  • When people try to make art a competition they are trying to make it baseball
  • When Hayes and Sean put out movies and their making fuckloads of cash that they're swimmin in, aren't they a little bit of the problem? They try to make movies that don't make so much, but everyone just wants to see their shit. 
  • Hayes and Sean analogize Oscar winners to "throwing food over the wall" into Hollywood, those who did choose to make movie. Tim Tebow got into movies, isn't that against religion? Hayes and Sean don't feel bad for "eating the food" at Chazz Palminteri's pot-luck: shrimp scallopini, parmigiana, spaghetti pomodoro, pizza pie, veal. Yum! And the sauce! Oh yes.  
  • At the end of the day Hayes and Sean put on their underwear one pair at a time just like everybody else

Guest Segment Edit

  • Sean over the song: So the valet is like, where are your keys? and I fuckin lose it. Cars don't have keys anymore. What a fuckin idiot. Just worry about yourself, worry about parking.
  • Hayes warns you that you can't talk back to people on a TV screen, they're not real they're just on TV. Sean smudged the screen on Hayes' TV trying to do this, it's got burn-in
  • Jamie Kennedy was one of the few people who made the transition from Scream movies to the X-periment. It was so scary at that time in Hollywood if you were a big mover and shaker, to be x'ed!
  • The real bravery of playing yourself is turning that camera around and facing it at yourself and speaking directly to the film, directly to the audience. 
  • Jon compares himself to Minority Report, in the sense that it takes place in the future, and he's always in the future in his thought process
  • Jon says he'll never be a character in the movie. He'll only appear as himself.
  • In 12 Years a Slave, you never actually hear their opinions on slavery. They're too scared. Jon clarifies that if he were in the movie, and the camera cut to him, he'd openly say he's against slavery. Sean and Hayes don't take a stance whichever way for nor against slavery. It's not the place of the show. 
  • A coward like Bradd Pitt probably doesn't even know what slavery is, he never looks at the screen and just says his opinions on stuff, if the subjects of his various movies are bad or not. It'd be nice if Achilles would tell you if he thought motorcycles were cool, or what was interesting about the 90's! Any toys that were good back then? A movie that came out? A commercial.
  • The boys talk extensively about what Jon likes to call the giggle-think. You make the audience laugh, but in between that you're saying your opinions directly to the screen and forcing them to think. So you're laughing and bussin' up but also learning without even realizing it. Look over at your side chick, you feel differently about her. The Trojan Horse of learning "Oh Brad Pitt's such a coward!" 
  • Sean and Hayes are huge science nerds. The giggle-think came from evolution, cave drawings. And they also are sports heads
  • The human face itself is actually capable of 10-12 emotions
  • Jon likes throwing up a viral video and riffin' off of it. It's like art HIStory! People put viral videos on such a pedestal. This guy fell of a golf court cart, or golf course, this guy rides on a sofa that's being dragged by a boat. He'll even attack vine!
  • Hayes's tattoo says Mister Sogynist. Brett "the dial monkey" doesn't deserve this character, a pro should keep that one
  • Jon gets scale + 10%
  • Hayes doesn't like the expression 'Opinions are just like assholes everyone's got them and they all stink' because not everyone has an asshole, and they don't always stink. Some of them actually smell really good Jon comes up with a new expression: 'Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them, some of them stink, but if you didn't have an opinion you would die of being filled with toxic poison' 
  • So now when you see Jon Gabrus on TV you can look at Jon's asshole and think, I don't have an asshole, I like that asshole, I want that asshole. You take his asshole and copy his asshole word for word and then that's your asshole. Then you're able to defecate truth. 
  • The boys role play a scenario as if they were in Guy Code, to use as an example of all they're talking about.
  • Jon hopes to develop 'micro-commentary' where he comments on a single frame, or speaks on censorship when a swear word is being beeped out
  • Sean asks Jon to rank the order of cast members in Guy Code and Girl Code in order from least funniest to most funniest, or not funny at all.
  • Jon mentions getting his change ($1.25) from buying a Pellegrino. He pays for it with a 5, it was $3.75. For one Pellegrino? A party Pellegrino, a three liter.
  • Jon tells a secret, Hayes and Sean have a private conversation while the listener is sitting here with nothing but dang silence in our dang earbuds
  • Hayes: "We do a, we a do a lot of things in college that we'd like to.. forget. ("Yeah..") We experiment a little bit with, you know, kissing.. (unitelligible)" "You don't know who you are yet, so you're willing to try to bein' just about anybody. And I, I think we've all got some people that maybe we've," (both) "kissed." "or.." "Yeah."
  • The girls are the least funniest. All tied for last place, then the white guys, and then the black guys for the funniest.
  • Notorious misogynist Jon Gabrus on Hayes and Sean's new character: "If only, if only I had I skillset like that I would be great to be able to do a character like that. But I don't, just myself, droppin' fuckin truth bombs. Nagasaki. And HISoshima."

Recurring Segments Edit

  • Ehh... Right!
    • Tim Pierson wrote to Sean and Hayes on the Facebook page, just to them and not the whole team. "C'mon guys..." -almost the subject of the message but you can't really do subjects on Facebook- "I've been an avid listener for about a year"--very impressive amount of time-frame to be a listener, since the show has been running about 4 months-- "I stumbled upon Episode 18," --They like when their avid listeners find the show my accident. Sounds like he literally tripped and fell and mashed his keyboard, and when he stood up iTunes was playing Episode 18. "and they (sic) negative feedback you guys read on the air. I can understand you guys being upset and people saying it's a boring podcast with the two of you just making inside jokes, etc. It happens," --the "and" separates those two statements in a very interesting way! -- "Not every show is exciting every day! So take the bad with the good." Who is he saying that to? Sean and Hayes for being upset about their show not being good? "BUT-- when defending yourself against the feedback, you guys didn't give any reasons at all. All you said was 'We are funny, and this is a good podcast.' That's not an argument. The feedback stated examples, but you guys just replied with 'No. You are wrong.' Worst debate ever! The lack of intelligent self defense anger me, and I turned it off! It took under a minute for me to turn on you guys. I felt bad, but you really gave no reason why the feedback was wrong. All you did was say 'No'suh, we are funny, so there.'"
    • This guy is Ehh.. Right! There were lots of good examples in the feedback. Plus it was the worst debate ever. Half the debaters didn't even show up! Imagine if the Presidential Debate was just Al Gore reading something that George Bush wrote on a message board, going "I don't think so!"? That's part of the reason he lost!
    • Intelligent self defense: "We're not just funny, we're smart! And that's part of what makes the show so good." "Instead of turning it off, you should turn it on!" "Because it's so funny, smart, and good! ("And it's really fun to listen to!")" "And it's a nice show, a nice show that people like!" "And you said it took you less than a minute to turn on us, but you should have taken longer and you really shouldn't have done it at all!" "Yeah, you shouldn't have turned on us and you should have taken 5 or even 10 minutes to just listen to it and not be mad!" "And you say that all we did was say 'No'suh, we are funny, so there!' and we did say that because we are, and we are funny!" "And 'Yes'suh' we appreciate the feedback, but at the same time, hey think about it, this is a really funny good podcast! So hey Tim, we hope you stumble upon this episode as well. And we hope you listen avidly, maybe for a whole year!"
  • The Notscars - celebrating people who opted out from art being a competition and participating in a corrupt system. Hayes and Sean don't have the guts to do this!
    • Outstanding achievement in not making movie. Nominees: Lyle Menendez, Rube Goldberg, Truffaut, Annika Sorenstam, Kevin Smith, and Michelle Lee
      • Winner: Lyle Menendez. It's really amazing considering his brother.... Kyle?  he's out there selling out and making movies. Like Pacific Rim and The Lego Movie
    • Lifetime Achievement Award. Goes to tebowing (Tim Tebow was a big sports man who had to do prayers every time he had a football in his hands). He wasn't making movies, but he was doing commercial which is like little movies. So he's not being nominated, but people stopped doing tebowing in movies as a stance against organized money. Unfortunately everything's a fucking commercial and we're being producted everywhere we turn and the organized money mongor' is creeping it's ugly head into your home. It's getting to the point where you try to buy some gas and they want a lot of money. Even Girl Scout cookies, it's like you go and buy some and they're all like "give me money please! more money! more money YUM!" that's what those girl scouts sound like. It's almost to the point where if you jsut want to drive a fast car around, you gotta go up to the dealership with a briefcase of money and give this guy a bunch of cash! and sign some paper! Cars belong to the earth man!
    • Sound Design. Big fronds rustling, animals chittering. This goes to the rainforest! Speaking of the earth, one of the best sounds to be in movies is the sound of the rainforest. That sound was not so much in movies anymore, so congratulations rainforests. Sean recalls a conversation with the rainforest, where the rainforest said, "I'm so sick of this consumer culture that's poisoning our veins! and it's like if I want to eat a powdered dougnut I gotta go walk into a gas station and give this guy money!" That's why big businesses are trying to get rid of the rainforest. Deforestation is actually really bad. 
    • Best Picture. Goes to The Shipping News ! This movie came out 8-9 years ago and ever since, they've been trying to get it to come out again. Why isn't it okay that movies only come out one time? It's time to break that cycle of movies coming out multiple times, and hogging all these awards. The Shipping News got all the awards for like 6-7 years until it finally said, "Enough!" it's not fair to new movies, and new voices that want to get out there. Like Sean's movies! or like when you go out to the movies now and all you see are movies like The Mummy Returns, The Secret Life of David Gale, The Secret Life of Bees, Akeelah and the Bee, Bee Movie, or even Movie 43! (actually Movie 43 is a bad example, it's okay to get released so many times because it's so many movies. It's okay to keep coming out until all the movies are released) Sean then apologizes to Tim Pierson for using a bad example, Hayes just got caught up in the moment is all. It's like 12 friggin' movies! in one movie! talk about bang for your buck. Hayes would be happy to pay 120 bucks or whatever it is nowadays for a movie. Or like 600 bucks or whatever for popcorn the size of the goddamn moon. The soda is actually really how they make their money, because it's just like a little eyedropper of syrup and then ice, which is free, you can get ice from your home. You might think 75-100 bucks or whatever it is for a movie ticket is a rip off but actually it's pretty fair. It's the soda and snacks where they're mostly getting their money. Syrup is nothing! it's just juice from the trees and the earth. And bubbles, you can get bubbles almost anywhere, like from a kid, they're everywhere. It feels like a bargain, because the drink is the size of friggin Antarctica, but that's an illusion too, because it's mostly bubbles. Bubbles is kinda like the code to the whole universe actually, we are walking in bubbles all the time. And not like in Now You See Me where Isla Fisher is in the bubble in the commercial for that. Sean is talking about invisible bubbles, in sort of that you always feel buoyant like when you push your arms in a doorway, then you get out and your arms just sort of raise involuntarily. That's because you're allowing the bubbles to collect under your arms and that's what's lifting you.
    • And that was the message of Bubble Boy who also gets a Notscar this year! The point of that movie was basically saying when he's not in that bubble he was saying "Well, aren't we all sort of in bubbles, all the time?" (and technically we are, science-wise we are in bubbles all the time)
    • And another thing is basketball players actually have more bubbles around them at all times, and that's why they jump so high. If you ever read Freakonomics or another physics book like David and Goliath, that's just telling you sometimes you succeed when you have less because when it seems you have nothing you actually have infinite bubbles.
  • Popcorn Gallery
    1. Huglife -  Hayes and Sean rephrase his question because it's not good. "Your show Guy Code is an adaptation of The Da Vinci Code , why are you doing such a bad job with it? and what kind of secrets are going to be revealed next season?"
      • After the first season they decided to branch off and follow their own path. They're distancing theirselves as they go on from The Da Vinci Code, Digital Fortress, all the Dan Brown Novels
    2. TheloniousJunk - "John where did you find the audacity to go on Pete Holmes nerdist podcast before doing Sean and Hayes's Earwolf podcast? Follow up: How dare you"
      • Where he finds everything -- within himself
    3. (No user) "Jon! where did you find the audactiry to do Pete Holmes podcast before doing Sean and Hayes podcast?!"
      • (they don't need to go over this again)
    4. Freja - "Which Oscar after party are you most looking forward to attending, and who will you be avoiding at said party?"
      • Jon will be at the MTV2 Oscar after party. A much lesser known party. The dog with two heads will be there! He'll be avoiding a number of cast members from both Guy Code and Girl Code, and Sway. 
  • Pro Version - DexDexter - Jon Gabrus will do a talking head riff on his name: "Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Dexter, are you sure that's what you want to name your son? DexDexter? Ook. That's like naming me 'John' and my last name being 'Johnson.' Alright. Let's get out of here." (maybe the best prize they've ever given out!) 

Recurring Jokes Edit

  • Scoop Troop - You're never to old to learn something new. (Might want to get this one laminated!)
  • One Eighth Native American - Due to Seans heritage he's connected to the earth in such a way where he has the ability to talk to trees and be friends with rainforest.
  • Too Scary - The scariest role you can play is playing yourself. There's always a safety putting on a mask that way you don't see yourself. Doing Best Week Ever or I Love the 80s
    • People are too afraid to take a stance for or against slavery in 12 Years a Slave
    • A movie where a talking head discusses another piece of talking head commentary, a Hall of Mirrors, is very spooky 
  • Italy - Hayes and Sean don't feel bad for "eating the food" at Chazz Palminteri's pot-luck: shrimp scallopini, parmigiana, spaghetti pomodoro, pizza pie, veal. Yum! And the sauce! Oh yes.
  • Speak on That - Sean asks Jon to speak on that regarding bravery of facing the camera and speaking directly to the audience. Jon explains that he sits down with no script and just speaks. Sean is blown away and asks how does he know what to say?
    • On how the screens are getting smaller, but the picture hasn't actually shrunk at all
  • Bussin' Up - Sometimes when watching TV or movies, you're laughing so hard that you don't even realize you're learning. These shows Make you Buss up and cracks your whole shit up while you watch and learn.
  • Nerds - Sean and Hayes are huge science nerds
  • Talking to the Engineer - Since Jon doesn't do characters he gives his character mister sogynist to engineer Brett. Brett then says he'll take it and Sean and Hayes criticize him for not saying thank you. So they take it back.
    • Then Sean gives him a different character Judge at a Golf Court. His gavel is a putter or something. 
  • Wife and Kids - Sean goes to the zoo, his daughters are just munchin' on the animal food.
  • Homoeroticism - Hayes to Sean: "We do a, we a do a lot of things in college that we'd like to.. forget. ("Yeah..") We experiment a little bit with, you know, kissing.. (unitelligible)" "You don't know who you are yet, so you're willing to try to bein' just about anybody. And I, I think we've all got some people that maybe we've," (both) "kissed." "or.." "Yeah."
  • Show Won't Take a Stance - The guys don't want to say if they approve of slavery or not.

Ads Edit

  • U Talkin' U2 To Me? with taffy and toffee (Repeat)

Episode Photos Edit