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"Paul Scheer, Our Close Friend" is the fifty-ninth episode of Hollywood Handbook.

Official Earwolf Page

Earwolf Synopsis Edit

This week, Hayes and Sean are pissed about a certain “magazine” cover and they explain why. Then, PAUL SCHEER is in the studio to workshop a spooky script with the boys and talk about the process behind his podcast “How did this get made?” and MeowTV.

Notes & Memorable Quotes Edit

Pre-Guest Segment Edit

  • Hayes talking over the theme: So I pull up to Dave Grohls house, ring the doorbell and say I have bad news. Sonic highways... Sonic, the real Sonic, Sega won't let you use him it can't be about him anymore BUT you should have it be about music now. Sean then talks about how he once recieved a late night phone call from him asking if he could do the Sonic Boom thing that Guile used to do. Sean told him to just use Hayes' idea -- I mean just imagine if you punch the highway and it's a big sonic boom, imagine how many cars would be excited about something like that
  • It has been a week of being mad for Hayes and Sean -- occasionally you're mad because of politics or taxes or things of that nature but this week it was because of a magazine cover. Hayes hesitates to describe this magazine cover and Sean hesitates to even call it a magazine. The image on the cover was Kim Kardashian (like she needs any more attention) and the pose she's in and the wardrobe choice is something that's....desperate. It's a desperate cry for look at me I'm on a magazine and it's made of paper. It's so pathetic, and the fact that people bought it makes Sean feel very scared for his children and his childrens children. This country used to mean something! If you were famous and on a magazine back in the day it used to mean you had talent!
  • What does Kim Kardashian even do Hayes asks, Sean immediately replies with she doesn't do anything. Literally all she actually does, is be on a TV show and gets her picture taken. That's a JOB now? being a beautiful woman and getting your picture taken? that's not a job, we don't even have a name for that! Give Sean a REAL celebrity give him Kate Upton from The Other Woman an actress! THAT is a celeb! Give him a song writer like Paris Hilton! like she had that single, or even Coco! Ice-T's wife!
  • Hayes then talks about Betty Page and Jane Mansfield and how they used to be professional USO performers and they got there because of their talent. Where's today's Jaja Gabor? She got to where she was because of her talent! It wasn't because she worse jewelry and was glamorous and... well because she was married a bunch of times. But Kim hasn't been married but three times! That was actually a tradition that Paris Hilton inherited, she went and lived on a farm, Kim hasn't gone to go live on a farm! AT ALL... AT ALL! It makes Sean wonder if people are just picking and choosing people to be famous because they want to look at them, and that's not fame!
  • Hayes wants to talk about role models nowadays, and he wants to talk about all the scientists out there... Sean tells Hayes to go ahead and mention one right now, Hayes says Carli for example. Hayes asks Sean if he knows what happens this week? We sent out a spaceship and landed it on a comet and made it go away. We stopped it from hitting the united states, and even potentially a bus, and if you think about it all the people on a bus at any given time (minimum one) but all those seats behind them too! you saved all those people. And what do we do instead? We put a picture of Kim Kardashians butt on a magazine cover, put a scientist butt on the cover!
  • And there's even a picture later where you can even see her whole nernano and her taters, she got her taters, and her nernano out and you're lookin' at them and you're thinking well couldn't this be someone with REAL talent? Someone like a Flannery O'Connor or something. Hayes adds on that it's so sad that you never even saw Flannery O'Connor's or Maya Angelou's nernano's before even once before they died. It's very frustrating.
  • So Sean finally just wonders where we're heading as a nation and maybe we should have let the comet crash into us -- it may have been an interesting wake up call. And maybe if the comet ate some of those bus people, maybe if it munched them up then maybe we'd go we're not looking at what's really important. Someone like Heidi Klum, she's famous. She's a fashion judge she says what's good about fashion and REALLY knows how to get her picture taken, she's even on a reality show (Kim is too) but this one is a competition!
  • All these mindless zombies out there all they think when they look at Kims butt on the magazine cover is yummy give me that. And Sean goes on to say well it's because it looks like a peach. And they're thinkin' they're gonna take a big chomp...! Ugh so clearly photoshopped! Sean knows it's photoshopped, cause actually from the angle her taters would be sticking in front of her shoulder a little bit.
  • Hayes and Sean say thank you to us for being brave enough to bring it up and be upset about it, because it's a good thing to be upset about... WE STILL HAVEN'T FOUND THAT PLANE! Sean yells. We're talking about Kim?! We should be putting the plane on the magazine cover! THAT'S news! Or at least a picture of the ocean where we think it may be. Sean is so happy they didn't let her get a star on the Hollywood walk of fame -- that was the happiest day of his life. The walk of fame is for actress's like Patricia Heaton!

Guest Segment Edit

  • Sean talking over the theme: So I turned to Jill Biden and I go hmm? which one is this again? and she goes oh that's the cave aged gruyere and so I go, what's THAT one? and she realizes her error. Hayes mentions how she always does that with her eyes closed and just takes a big sniffy.
  • In retrospect every time Hayes and Sean have said they had a real corker of a guest up until this point has been a lie, they realized that after having Paul on. Paul says the pressure is on but he feels like he can bring his A game
  • Hayes and Sean has been plugging his podcast on theirs, and Paul says thank you and that they've really noticed the bump. Pauls podcast -- How We Like The Movie -- Paul corrects them to say How Did This Get Made, and Sean tries to cut in to say How Do They Do That Movie?
  • Hayes and Sean notice how people listen to Pauls podcast and they ask him what kinds of things he does on the podcast that people like? Without actually doing his show is there something another show could do? Advice for young podcasters, and maybe even they're already within a network and maybe they've been doing it for over a year and the equipment they're using is probably the most expensive you could buy? But they're not getting an audience. Paul believes accessibility is important and so on his show they all watch the movie together, and Hayes asks how to decide who to include in this process -- Paul says all of them, we're all equal and they're not better than anyone else to which Sean asks "What if you are better?" Such as, being smarter, and funny and nice. Paul says maybe they should check themselves a little bit.
  • People often have said to Paul when he's doing his movie take-downs well why don't you try it for once? and maybe you see how hard it is, and then you see how hard it is? Paul says he often doesn't get that feedback but he has done some things. He did Meow-TV which was television for cats by cats and it even got a spot on lifetime. The cats didn't like it, the show was to appeal to cats, Paul doesn't know if they had a focus group of cats (seems like the first thing they'd do) but Paul says cats are cagey and they wouldn't show up for such a thing or if they did show up they wouldn't show their truest opinion. Sean interjects to say it depends on what kind of cat and depends on how they're raised.
  • Sean and Paul get into a small back and forth regarding cat behavior and Paul says clearly Sean must be a cat owner. Sean corrects him by saying that's neither her nor in the stars dear prince. Paul isn't trying to insult any cat owners out there, but he's actually not insulting cat owners he's insulting cats.
  • Hayes and Sean want Paul to read them one of his scripts that he's working around town. Paul is very excited about this, he's very interesting in the horror genre nowadays and he feels that's the easiest way in. Sometimes they release 15 of them in the theaters, or maybe even just one -- even half of one sometimes. And it's also the easiest one to make a trailer for because you don't show the movie you show the people in the audience going 'Ahhhhhahhhahahahhhh!' Financially Paul feels this is a great way to get in the business.
  • Sean won't be there but he won't judge Paul for going where the money is, it's the audience's fault. If they want to go see a frankengstein go and bite someone's head off
  • Sean and Paul talk about how the trick of a horror movie is to foget the beginning of the movie during the middle part that way they can be more surprised at the end. Paul relates this to a slot machine -- if you win early on you'll stay til the end. Why have so many scares in a movie when he could just wait and have two good ones? Good scares are expensive.
  • The recommendation on a script reading comes from Showshowbro and he wants to see them read 'So it Looks Like I Married an Van Helsing and Anastasia Vigo reminded them of the subtitle The Skellingtons Kiss" (Full title -- So it Looks Like I Married an Van Helsing: The Skellingtons Kiss) Paul is glad they picked this one -- because it's based on a true story. Two true stories actually. Van Helsing obviously based on the American mythos, and the skellington's Kiss came from foreign markets tricking people thinking it's a romantic movie. Sean mentions how the title is very pleasing, because he thinks being married is nice, and being married to an Ven Helsing would be nice because he hunts evil spirits. So he thinks -- oh I'm gonna get out of this title alive, but then oh no the skellington has kissed me!
  • Sean mentions how scary a skellington's kiss would be because they have no lips! but Paul corrects Sean to say that a skelleton has no lips, but you'll see what a skellington does or doesn't have. Sean asks if he can send Paul his lunesta bill because he feels he's gonna have trouble sleeping after reading this script.
  • Scene 1: Black screen title card: So it Looks Like I Married an Van Helsing. Exterior: Bulgaria college. A College boy walks out of the math room his name is Ruben Carter (not that one) he walks out of the math room with his friend Peson and he's holding his hair and he's groaning.
    • Ruben tells Peson to chill out and Peson tells him something he could do, but he holds out on Ruben and says he has to go into the woods and do something. Ruben tells him to look out for racoons, but that's not all he'll look out for
  • Scene 2: Peson disappears into the woods vanishing into the dark and creepy music plays as he arrives to a glowing stump (Paul mentions how this is a good trailer scene)
    • Peson says to himself "oh lord you dark master feed me the knowledge give me what I need" Ruben appears in the clearing he forgot his shwag bong "Ruben I told you! Leave me alone in the woods! You've seen too much!" Ruben: "B-b-b-b-w-w-w-w-what?!!" Peson: "You must.... Dieeee!!!" Rubens insides feel like they're doing something crazy like outside of his skin. "Hold it right there foul villain!" A guy pops out of the ground with a big bow and arrow and it's made of silver! he pulls it back and he points it to Peson's brain! "It is I! Van Helsing! and you cannot murder college students here in Bulgaria!" Peson: "Ah!! Van Helsing! You son-of-a-bitch!" Van Helsing: "I killed your father, and now I'm gonna kill you!" Van Helsing kills peson and he dies in the vampire way where he turns light from the inside and blows out and explodes and he turns to dust. Ruben turns around his guts are still on the ground but he is alive. "Uh... A little help dude?" "Ah, I wish I could help, but when you look at me sure I'm good at killing things but keeping things alive and living I'm no so good at. Take for example my relationships with women -- it's terrible" Ruben asks him if he's having a tough time with the ladies, and Van Helsing talks about how he wishes he could go back to college and create a new identity for himself and have girls see him for who he is and not for what he does (kill beasts of the wild) Ruben is dying but he hands Van Helsing his student ID card. Rubens last words as he dies is "Just be yourself..."
  • Sean, Hayes and Paul first stop to talk about the misdirection in the movie and how it sets up to have Ruben be the main character and Peson be the best friend type but those roles quickly shifted, and then both main characters got killed off immediately. Also how the movie quickly shifts from a horror movie to a movie about Van Helsing just trying to make it through college now. The next scene that they want to jump into is the dance scene to see what Van Helsing's success with women is like now. Thing is at the beginning of the movie when Peson opened up the wormhole to beasts coming in. Van Helsing is just trying to live a normal life in college but these beasts keep coming in and so now the movie kinda keeps switching back and forth between these two themes.
  • Scene 3: Van Helsing is trying to have a great date with this girl he really likes, and these beasts keep coming in. Interior College Party: Van Helsing and Bree enter the college party, Van Helsing is briefly freaked out by the combination of lights he's never seen before.
    • Bree talks about how hard that test in school was while Van Helsing yells about foul beasts, but realizes it's just these strange lights. Bree accounts this to him being from the north while she's just from the south. Van Helsing gets pushed into the center of the dancefloor where all the students start shouting 'Dance! dance!" Van Helsing starts to do Irish stepdancing, and everyone around him starts Irish stepdancing too. Everyone starts chanting "Ruben! Ruben! Ruben!" Van Helsing starts to lean in for a kiss to Bree but just as he does some terrifying music starts to play again and a million vampires crash in through each and every window "Jagerbeasts! Hold on my love I must go... to the urinal, and forgive myself here" Van Helsing disappears into the bathroom and comes back without his Ruben nametag. The vampires are so hungry for blood, but Van Helsing asks if they can go away or if they can do this at a later time perhaps? He wants to get back to kiss his girl, and asks if they can do this in about 20 minutes. The vampire then asks Van Helsing: "A normal kiss.... or a skellington kiss?" Van Helsing's eyebrows raise, he's never heard of the skellingtons kiss before. It turns out to be an ancient type of kiss that breaks his curse and he will lose all his powers if he does the kiss
  • Paul stops the script reading and everyone talks about how much exposition they have in the script that you don't have in the movie. It's a VERY different experience to read vs watch this movie. Paul talks about a full on abortion scene where Van Helsing goes with his friend to get a full on abortion -- Paul starts to laugh, and he apologizes, he relates the scene to the scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin where they're ripping the hair off his chest and so Hayes says let's do that scene next
  • Scene 4: Interior: Waiting room. Van Helsing and Bree are sitting in the waiting room not really sure what to say to each other.
    • Van Helsing talks to Bree and says that even though they're stopping one part of their relationship he will always be there for her. Van Helsing says that they will continue to have sex but not with a condom, he will never put that foul beast near him. (Van Helsing isn't used to modern times) And then Paul cuts in to say this reminds him of another scene where he's talking to a water cooler and he's actually talking to it because he doesn't understand the term water cooler talk
  • Scene 5: Interior: Break room. Van Helsing observes the water cooler from afar he gets his courage up, and finally he is able to approach it.
    • Van Helsing begins to have a conversation with the water cooler, and the noise from the water cooler is making Van Helsing sweat in sort of a stimulated way. He asks the water cooler if it'll accompany him to the dance, pan down to see that Van Helsing's dick is already in the water cooler. He warns the water cooler that he doesn't wear condoms, he doesn't put that foul beast anywhere near him! Suddenly some other people come to the water cooler thirsty for a glass of water, to which Van Helsing kills the man but it turns out the man was a vampire and he dies in the vampire way. Van Helsing: "Freeze! Hey everybody, I really thought that was a frankinstein! Unfreeze!"
  • Paul asks if they like that Van Helsing talks directly to the audience, thing is he actually winds up lying to the audience at parts, and he's ultimately an unreliable narrator. It's actually a little jarring to Sean that it only happens once, 65 pages into the script. Paul talks about how he lost a lot of things in editing but he kept this one because it fits and it's a big scare scene. They decide to read one last more, and it's the post credit scene
  • Scene 6 Post Credit Scene: Interior: Empty room. It seems like everybody's gone the credits begin to roll. "But did you forget about me? I'm Mr skellington and I still got a kiss for everyone in that audience! MMMMM Pucker up!" That's the big scare!!
  • As far as notes, Sean tells Paul this movie is funny and smart, and nice. It's cool, and it's funny and he laughed at it, and it made him think a lot it was cool it had a lot of badass moments, and it was fun. Sean isn't sure he gets it, and he's not sure anyone would. Paul thinks people will get it and relates it to the Twilight movies. This movie has a lot of genre's: It's a college movie, it's a gross out comedy, it's a relationship movie, it's an undercover movie, it's a horror movie, it's a thriller movie, it is a scary movie, and it's a true biopic. It's even a statement film because of the abortion scene.
  • Hayes' one note is that the Van Helsing doesn't actually marry anybody, and he thinks that is something most people will be looking for so he tells Paul to prepare for that. He asks Paul if he's reading into it too much, and Paul tells him he's got it all wrong, he relates the movie to Fury and Hayes and Sean have had a similar complaint with that movie! he's relaxing on the poster he's not mad at all! So Paul says exactly, most of the titles of movies have nothing to do with movies.
  • Paul seems mad and Hayes and Sean know why -- They assure Paul that they will do his show! And that's why Paul came on their show today. He says thanks for the notes, he won't take them but he appreciates them.

Recurring Segments Edit

  • Pro Version - Boy Genie and the prize is a flash drive with 3 Hollywood scripts on it, they each select their favorite from the past year. He also get's one skellington's kiss from Steve Buscemi at the end of the movie.

Recurring Jokes Edit

  • Too Scary - The whole dang episode is too scary!
  • Sean's Little Cousin - if what they said about the magazine is true and how it broke the internet, Sean is gonna be so pissed, he's finally getting the hang of the internet and thanks to his little cousin Sam he got pretty close to making it to a website this week.
  • Doing a Scene - I Married an Van Helsing: The Skellingtons Kiss
  • One Eighth Native American - As a one eighth native american, Sean relates strongly to the term who owns anything?
  • Corker of a Guest

Ads Edit

  • Quality Slug is sponsoring today's show and Hayes and Sean mention how they have tried to look at the website, and if the audio sounds weird in today's ad, it's because after trying to get to the site the computer is messed up! The visual part is brown, and Sean thinks he saw a skull and cross bones. The page is like -- split in half, and the top piece is too sharp to put together with the bottom piece and so now what they're doing is recording the ads on their phone. So visit Quality Slug but have someone help you.
  • Ad for Store.Earwolf.com and Sean's phone interrupts the ad with his ringtone. This is thanks to Quality Slug breaking their computer so Hayes and Sean haven't been able to check out the Earwolf store but they say you should go. Seans phone rings again and Hayes asks who it is. It's Sean's Moms new boyfriend Dan -- Hayes says he should pick up the phone, and Sean answers. We hear a one-sided conversation and Dan invited Sean over for dinner, he says something to Sean but Sean isn't ready to say that back yet. Seems like a nice guy.

Episode Photos Edit